Humor test!

[Charlie MV]

Oh my, I can't leave you little scamps alone for a minute.

[tomf]

I have a question.

Why do drive up ATM machine keys have numbers and braille characters on them?

This has always had me thinking there must be some blind guys driving around.

I was in a bar with a person of undisclosed hair color, sex or any other thing one could take offense at and I said “look at xxx xxx, (she, he or it) has more money than brains’. The person that I am giving no physical description of said, “I wish I had more money than brainsâ€

[webmaster]

So a guy goes with his wife to her high school reunion. Over at the bar is a fella pounding back the beers and cocktails, being somewhat loud and a wee rowdy.

Wife leans over and says, "That's Mike So and So. We dated for a year and after we broke up he started drinking and never stopped."

The husband's eyes widen. "Wow!" he says, "That's a long time to celebrate!"

[DoubleDogFarm]

[tomf]

It is only fair that I pick on men also so here we are.

Q. Men always fantasize about having two wives, but woman do not, why?
A. It would just be one more slob to clean up after.

[tedln]

hhhhhmmmm! Having the webmaster in here cracking jokes is similar to sitting all alone at a bar drinking a beer when the local cop comes in, sits next to you and orders a cup of coffee. You are not sure if he is getting ready to tell you he just put a ticket on your windshield or he is waiting for you to leave so he can pull you over and arrest you for driving under the influence. Good joke anyhow!

Ted

[DoubleDogFarm]

I woke up in a Soho doorway
A policeman knew my name
He said "You can go sleep at home tonight
If you can get up and walk away"

I staggered back to the underground
And the breeze blew back my hair
I remember throwin' punches around
And preachin' from my chair

[Charlie MV]

hhhhhmmmm! Having the webmaster in here cracking jokes is similar to sitting all alone at a bar drinking a beer when the local cop comes in, sits next to you and orders a cup of coffee. You are not sure if he is getting ready to tell you he just put a ticket on your windshield or he is waiting for you to leave so he can pull you over and arrest you for driving under the influence. Good joke anyhow!

Ted

I will deal with Webmaster. We're on a first name basis. He has promised me that I get 1 delete for every 100 times he deleted me. I have 3 to go.

[cynthia_h]

Ooooooh, are we going to tell "man" jokes?

--How do you get a (non-gardening) guy to exercise?
==> Put the remote between his toes.

Uh-oh...the other one is...ah...never mind.

Cynthia

[DoubleDogFarm]

How do you know when it's time to get a new dishwasher?
When the old one expects you to "do your share"

[Charlie MV]

DDF, I used to have dishwasher that looks just like the two in your avatar.

[DoubleDogFarm]

They are the pre-wash.

[Charlie MV]

I used mine for special company.

[tedln]

Getting slow in here. Maybe a few lawyer jokes will speed things up. Remember, a little humor makes the day brighter.

These are real questions and answers between real attorneys and real witness's in real court actions.

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said , 'Where am I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep , he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He's 20, much like your IQ.

ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS:None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

Ted

[Runningtrails]

Jokes, not personal experience:

The letters T and G are very close to each other on a keyboard. This recently became all too apparent to me and consequently I will never be ending a work email with the phrase "Regards" again.

While driving yesterday I saw a banana peel in the road and instinctively swerved to avoid it...thanks Mario Kart.

Why is it that during an ice-breaker, when the whole room has to go around and say their name and where they are from, I get so incredibly nervous? Like I know my name, I know where I'm from; this shouldn't be a problem....

I hate when I just miss a call by the last ring (Hello? Hello? Darnit!), but when I immediately call back, it rings nine times and goes to voicemail. What'd you do after I didn't answer? Drop the phone and run away?

I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.

[Kisal]

I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.

The funny thing is that I actually do that! I even have a special ring tone assigned to them, as an extra layer of warning!

[cynthia_h]

Jokes, not personal experience:

The letters T and G are very close to each other on a keyboard. This recently became all too apparent to me and consequently I will never be ending a work email with the phrase "Regards" again.

This *is* personal experience, from way back when I was working my way through college as a legal secretary.

(Note to younger members: computer word processing hadn't yet been developed, but there were word-processing machines, so the work didn't all have to be done over from scratch.)

Tim S., the attorney for whom I was preparing a brief, was in a big hurry. The filing deadline was this afternoon at 3:30 at the courthouse in Atlanta. He didn't give me his handwritten draft of the brief until approx. 11:20, and then he ordered his lunch in, while I typed up the 20-page brief.

His lunch arrived; I had decided it would be smarter not to eat, but to just keep typing in the interest of giving him some time to review the draft before printing it on formal stationery.

Ran the draft off and charged into his office with it about 12:45 or so. Got back to my desk just in time to hear Tim let out a HUGE roar of laughter....

Side note #1: Most of our clients were defendants in actions for marijuana possession. At that time, in Atlanta and environs, many political activists were victims of police "planting" of marijuana in their cars, apartments, etc. We had a respectable number of cases dismissed on such grounds by judges who were known as "hanging" judges, but who did respect evidence and proof.

Side note #2: The letters U and H are very close to each other on the keyboard and are each engaged by the index finger of the right hand.

...as he called me back into his office.

"I know you have a low opinion of the police in this case," he said, "but do you *really* think we can get the judge to see things our way by putting this into the pleading [as he pointed to the offending word]?"

I said, "Oh, God. Let me redo that page." It was, of course, page 1, where I had typed--not the word LAWSUIT, but something else altogether, substituting an H for the U...

Cynthia H.
Sunset Zone 17, USDA Zone 9

[tedln]

Cynthia,

I don't indersqand yhat ay all. I neber mske tupping mustakes.

TTed

[Gary350]

Check out this video it is funny.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eG_IcgVb-WM

[DoubleDogFarm]

A TOUGH OLD COWBOY FROM SOUTH TEXAS COUNSELED HIS GRANDSON THAT IF HE WANTED TO LIVE A LONG LIFE, THE SECRET WAS TO SPRINKLE A PINCH OF GUN POWDER ON HIS OATMEAL EVERY MORNING.

THE GRANDSON DID THIS RELIGIOUSLY TO THE AGE OF 103 WHEN HE DIED.

HE LEFT BEHIND 14 CHILDREN, 30 GRANDCHILDREN,
45 GREAT-GRANDCHILDREN, 25
GREAT-GREAT-GRANDCHILDREN,
AND A 15-FOOT DEEP CRATER WHERE THE CREMATORIUM USED TO BE.

SORTA BRINGS A TEAR TO YOUR EYE, DON'T IT?

Sorry about the all caps. This is a cut and paste.

Eric