I recently researched laser eye surgery to find out if it was for me. One year after the operation 95% of all patients still could not shoot lasers out of their eyes! Complete rip off.
An elderly couple sitting in a church pew Sunday morning. The old lady leans over and says "I just ripped a long silent one. It's gonna smell horrible and everyone will know it was me. What should I do?" The old man leans over and says "you really should replace the batteries in your hearing aids!"
Fidel Castro dies. He is about to enter the gates of Heaven. An angel stops him. "You know better than that, you have to go to the other place." So he goes to Hell. Satan greets him. Castro says "I forgot my luggage before the gates of Heaven I have to get them back." Satan tells him "I'll just send some demons to get them for you." So these people in Heaven notice demons lurking outside the gates and someone says "oh no! Castro has taken over Hell. We're getting refugees!"
This one is not exactly a joke but I liked it. A poor peasant is working his meager crops in the field. He looks over the fence and notices that his wealthy neighbors have a new cow. He thinks of the milk and meat and leather that they will get and how easy everything seems to be for them. He cries out "oh God please help me." The Lord appears and say "okay, I'll help you. What would you like me to do for you?" The peasant yells "kill the cow!"