I recently researched laser eye surgery to find out if it was for me. One year after the operation 95% of all patients still could not shoot lasers out of their eyes! Complete rip off.
An elderly couple sitting in a church pew Sunday morning. The old lady leans over and says "I just ripped a long silent one. It's gonna smell horrible and everyone will know it was me. What should I do?" The old man leans over and says "you really should replace the batteries in your hearing aids!"
Fidel Castro dies. He is about to enter the gates of Heaven. An angel stops him. "You know better than that, you have to go to the other place." So he goes to Hell. Satan greets him. Castro says "I forgot my luggage before the gates of Heaven I have to get them back." Satan tells him "I'll just send some demons to get them for you." So these people in Heaven notice demons lurking outside the gates and someone says "oh no! Castro has taken over Hell. We're getting refugees!"
This one is not exactly a joke but I liked it. A poor peasant is working his meager crops in the field. He looks over the fence and notices that his wealthy neighbors have a new cow. He thinks of the milk and meat and leather that they will get and how easy everything seems to be for them. He cries out "oh God please help me." The Lord appears and say "okay, I'll help you. What would you like me to do for you?" The peasant yells "kill the cow!"
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A guy from the city moves to the country and he has a hand saw that he is using to cut some trees down with. His neighbor tells him a chainsaw would do the job much easier. So the guy goes and buys one. A few days later he brings it back and tells the store clerk the chainsaw is even harder to use than the hand saw and is useless. So the clerk checks it out and starts it up. The city guy asks â€œwhat is that noise?â€™.
An old farmer has a pond on his land and when he kills some chickens he takes the parts he does not eat down to the pond to feed the fish. He comes up on two young women swimming in his pond in the nude. One of the women says to him they are not coming out so he can look at them. He tosses the chicken parts into the lake and tells them he is not there to look at them naked, he is just feeding the alligators.
A man from the city wanted to go hunting. He grabbed his gun and drove into the country. He shot a duck, as the duck fell to the ground an old farmer says "what are you doing hunting on my land? This is my land so that's my duck." The hunter from the city protested "it's my shot that killed the duck it should be mine!" "Okay here is how we settle things out here. We play a game called Hick Kick. Here are the rules I kick you in the groin as hard as I can and time how long you are down crying. When you can rise to your feet you kick me in the groin and likewise time how long I'm down. Whoever is down crying the longest loses and the winner keeps the duck." The man from the city agrees so the old farmer kicks him with all his might. For thirty minutes the hunter is down on the ground, red in the face, tears flowing from his eyes in complete agony. But after that he finally rises to his feet and yells "get ready old man it's my turn to kick you in the groin!" The old farmer just laughs and says "that's okay, I didn't really want your duck!"
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This isn't really a joke, but it is funny. My friend was showing me some pictures of their hunting trip. One picture was taken by her from inside the truck. The picture was of Mike hunting. She said to me, this is Mike hunting. See, he's hunting. Do you notice anything peculiar? I didn't. Then she said to me look closely, he forgot his gun. I wanted to post the picture but she didn't want to do that to him.