I am dumping this on you guys, as we have been a good support group for each when we are going through emotional times, gardeners are some of the nicest people there are. IMHO.
We have been going through a hard time this week; my wife’s dad who has lived with us is dying, he is 95 years old. We sent him to the emergency room and he was in the hospital for a little over a day. Forest came home for hospice care and we had nurses come in for visits. He was fine for half a day at home, and then he kept trying to get out of bed and panicking. Despite there being rails around the bed at times we had to hold him in bed to keep him from climbing out on to the floor. Then he just started thrashing about the bed, getting all turned around and trying to climb the wall. He hit and kicked my wife. He is no longer aware of anything around him.
As he had to have morphine every hour we had to be there all the time, and we had to deal with trying to keep him from hurting himself. Taking care of him was often a two-person job. So there was not much sleeping for us, and we were worn out to the point of failure. Hospice was very helpful and after he went down hill even more we could no longer take care of him and the placed him in a nursing home yesterday.
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rainbowgardener
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Thanks for sharing... It is very difficult to watch a loved one going through something like this. It sounds like involving hospice and other facilities was a wise choice, so that he can get the best care. It is always sad to lose a parent at any age, but it sounds like your father in law is coming to the end of a long and fruitful life and you have been blessed with his presence in your lives for many years.
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applestar
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I just had this similar conversation yesterday with my neighbor about her Mom who is in a care facility. My brother and I are having to think about near future arrangements for our parents. I guess we are all around same age.
It must have been a difficult decision to make, but it sounds like you have done all you can out of your love for your father in law - maybe more than most and certainly more than average. He is not going gently for sure -- is that typical of his personality?
I am still at the stage of easily letting myself get frustrated with my father, especially since he seems to give up so quickly lately and that is not how he used to be....
It must have been a difficult decision to make, but it sounds like you have done all you can out of your love for your father in law - maybe more than most and certainly more than average. He is not going gently for sure -- is that typical of his personality?
I am still at the stage of easily letting myself get frustrated with my father, especially since he seems to give up so quickly lately and that is not how he used to be....
People do not realize how hard it is to take care of someone when delirium starts. People always hope they will die in their sleep, but that is not how it always happens. There is a lot of grief and guilt associated with care giving. Grief over the loss and impending loss of someone you love and guilt that often occurs when caregivers and family members resent that someone has changed into someone they don't recognize anymore and guilt of wishing it was all over. There is a lot of guilt over the heartbreaking decision to put anyone in a nursing home or hospice. The main thing is let the important people in your lives know everyday how much you love them while they can still appreciate it. I am sure your father in law appreciated and loved his family when he was lucid and appreciates everything you did for him. You did try to keep him at home and that is more than many people would have done. You just have to realize that there is only so much you can do yourself. I am truly sorry for your loss.
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RainBird23
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It sounds like you have both done literally everything you could to take care of him. My father and mother both had dementia before they died, and there is honestly no way two people could have taken care of them 24/7. Maybe it will help to think of this. Before my Mom's dementia got bad, she took care of my Dad before he passed. When he knocked her down and fell himself and had to be hospitalized, they said he couldn't go home with her. She told us "If I get like that, don't listen to anything I say. Just do what you have to. Don't feel guilty about it. Once my mind goes, that's not me anymore."
It took a while after she passed but I realized she was right. That wasn't my Mom who was yelling and fighting, her mind and body betrayed her. My Mom was the person I remembered all my life, and now that she's in Heaven she's that person again. The person she was for most of her life would not have wanted us to carry a burden of guilt for not being able to cope with her disease. I'm betting your father in law would say the same if he was himself. I'll say a prayer that you, your wife and he can still feel the love you have between you, even when any other relationship is impossible.
It took a while after she passed but I realized she was right. That wasn't my Mom who was yelling and fighting, her mind and body betrayed her. My Mom was the person I remembered all my life, and now that she's in Heaven she's that person again. The person she was for most of her life would not have wanted us to carry a burden of guilt for not being able to cope with her disease. I'm betting your father in law would say the same if he was himself. I'll say a prayer that you, your wife and he can still feel the love you have between you, even when any other relationship is impossible.
My wife read what you all wrote and although she did cry some it helped her to feel better. Thank you for your very sensitive and well said posts. A number of you have been through similar situations and I feel for you as well, people who have been there know what it is like. It has been extra hard as we had him living with us for over eight years. Forest passed last night, once again that you for your support.
I'm sorry, Tom.
This has been very difficult for you and your wife. Eight years is a long time and, while there was likely both peaks and valleys, the downhill must have been what you both were seeing all too close and irreversible.
We cannot fix everything. I could not fix things for my mother when she decided to retreat into her bedroom. Encouraging Dad to call the ambulance and the hospital stay, the nursing home, now seem as much for me, as her. She was happy to come home. Probably, just a few happy moments during the final weeks of her life. She passed away as she would have, soon after.
You two have been doing what you could. It is time to be very kind to yourselves. Don't you think that is what your father in law would want?
You will be able to talk about these years and the last few months and days. Think about him in better health and how he might counsel you both.
With the important life questions that we all have, answers aren't easy for any of us. We just go on.
Steve
This has been very difficult for you and your wife. Eight years is a long time and, while there was likely both peaks and valleys, the downhill must have been what you both were seeing all too close and irreversible.
We cannot fix everything. I could not fix things for my mother when she decided to retreat into her bedroom. Encouraging Dad to call the ambulance and the hospital stay, the nursing home, now seem as much for me, as her. She was happy to come home. Probably, just a few happy moments during the final weeks of her life. She passed away as she would have, soon after.
You two have been doing what you could. It is time to be very kind to yourselves. Don't you think that is what your father in law would want?
You will be able to talk about these years and the last few months and days. Think about him in better health and how he might counsel you both.
With the important life questions that we all have, answers aren't easy for any of us. We just go on.
Steve
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rainbowgardener
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I am going to tag on to your thread, with my sorry to dump this on you.
My son is in his early 30's, owns a house out in California, 2000 miles away from me. Wed AM while he was getting dressed for work, two guys broke in, came in through a window. They put a knife to his throat, threw him on the floor, kicked him in the head, stomped on his glasses so he couldn't see them, bound him, gagged him, put a pillowcase over his head, spent the next hour tormenting him, punching, kicking, threatening to kill him, threatening to cut all his fingers off (as a sideline he is a guitarist), calling him all kinds of names, and eventually ransacked his house, took his computer and cellphone and hand built bicycle on which he has toured all over the country...
He is physically ok, except sore and bruised, but who knows how long it will take to recover from the emotional trauma and feel safe in his house again?
So stupid. What they took will net them very little on the black market and they would not have needed to hurt him and torment him in order to take it. With a knife to his throat he would have gladly told them where everything was and said take it and leave. I think they were disappointed that he didn't have more. He says they kept saying over and over, "where's the cash, where's the gold?" (I guess they expected lots of gold chains and gold jewelry of which he has none.)
Very hard for me being so far away. I feel helpless to do much for him. He's a really nice guy, volunteers tutoring in the local prison, helps others out, has worked and studied hard to get where he is. Stupid, violent culture!
My son is in his early 30's, owns a house out in California, 2000 miles away from me. Wed AM while he was getting dressed for work, two guys broke in, came in through a window. They put a knife to his throat, threw him on the floor, kicked him in the head, stomped on his glasses so he couldn't see them, bound him, gagged him, put a pillowcase over his head, spent the next hour tormenting him, punching, kicking, threatening to kill him, threatening to cut all his fingers off (as a sideline he is a guitarist), calling him all kinds of names, and eventually ransacked his house, took his computer and cellphone and hand built bicycle on which he has toured all over the country...
He is physically ok, except sore and bruised, but who knows how long it will take to recover from the emotional trauma and feel safe in his house again?
So stupid. What they took will net them very little on the black market and they would not have needed to hurt him and torment him in order to take it. With a knife to his throat he would have gladly told them where everything was and said take it and leave. I think they were disappointed that he didn't have more. He says they kept saying over and over, "where's the cash, where's the gold?" (I guess they expected lots of gold chains and gold jewelry of which he has none.)
Very hard for me being so far away. I feel helpless to do much for him. He's a really nice guy, volunteers tutoring in the local prison, helps others out, has worked and studied hard to get where he is. Stupid, violent culture!
Rainbow, seeing our children suffer is very difficult for a parent. It's very personal.
Here is something that Immanuel Kant said, it must have been well over 200 years ago: "It is not necessary that whilst I live, I live happily; but it is necessary that so long as I live, I should live honorably."
It applies to each person in that crime and, even from so far away, you can be proud of your son.
Steve
Here is something that Immanuel Kant said, it must have been well over 200 years ago: "It is not necessary that whilst I live, I live happily; but it is necessary that so long as I live, I should live honorably."
It applies to each person in that crime and, even from so far away, you can be proud of your son.
Steve
What creeps, I can't use the words in my head out of politeness to the people here. I keep a can of wasp spray next to my wife's side of the bed for her. Wasp spray works better than mace and it sprays for 25 feet with an almost endless amount of fluid.
The guys that did this to your son need to be in jail.
The guys that did this to your son need to be in jail.
Last edited by tomf on Wed Nov 12, 2014 6:19 pm, edited 1 time in total.