I tried to think of the least offensive or off color jokes I could to go along with the men and bonds joke. So with out further ado.
Fred does not get it, he just has a problem understanding woman. He told me that his wife was taking pills to make her cup size bigger. He asked her how much they cost, she told him, and he said "you should have used TP, look what it did for your back side". Fred's in the dog house again.
Fred is not to bright, he told me that his wife must be a weather expert as he keeps hearing her tell someone on the phone that the coast is not clear.
Fred said his wife wanted a fancy wrist watch, he told her she did not need one as there was a clock on the stove. In the dog house again.
Fred said to his wife it was every man's dream to have two woman, she said it was not every woman's dream to have two husbands. He asked why not, she said it would just be one more bum to clean up after.
Fred's wife said that when they were dating Fred's idea to get her in the mood was ten minutes of bragging about his glory days.
Fred's wife asked him why he never told her he loved her. He told her that he said he loved her when they got married, and if he changed his mind he would let her know. Move over rover Fred is moving in.
Fred's wife found a picture of her in his pocket, she said " oh you love me so much you have my photo". Fred said "no when I am out drinking I keep looking at your picture and when you look good I know I have had to much to drink". Fred gets out of the hospital next week.
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valley
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- Posts: 1335
- Joined: Tue Mar 06, 2012 1:25 am
- Location: ranches in sierra nevada mountains California & Navada high desert
Greetings, My wife, laughing, read this to me from the Net.
Arguing with your wife is like being arrested: [ Anything you say can and will be used against you.]
Wifey is so fun, She takes care of everything. She has all this energy, makes sure we eat, sees to it all are dressed well to the weather, we're happy, we are well. When the girls or I are working on anything, she has a way of making sure it all comes together. I've never won an argument, don't need to.
I'm not saying it very well, but if your husband or wife, seems to make everything you began come out right, you know what I'm saying.
A lady once said: " There is nothing more attractive than a man in love with his wife." I think that's true about a man or woman.
Mom and Daddy were always together, If everything was done everyone was taken care of, they would be somewhere together talking, in the garden working and talking. They always had something to talk about. Nothing was a crisis.
What ever came up, they would work that out too.
What am I going on about, Sorry I was just typing what I was thinking. I'll leave it, see if you can make any sense or it.
Richard
Arguing with your wife is like being arrested: [ Anything you say can and will be used against you.]
Wifey is so fun, She takes care of everything. She has all this energy, makes sure we eat, sees to it all are dressed well to the weather, we're happy, we are well. When the girls or I are working on anything, she has a way of making sure it all comes together. I've never won an argument, don't need to.
I'm not saying it very well, but if your husband or wife, seems to make everything you began come out right, you know what I'm saying.
A lady once said: " There is nothing more attractive than a man in love with his wife." I think that's true about a man or woman.
Mom and Daddy were always together, If everything was done everyone was taken care of, they would be somewhere together talking, in the garden working and talking. They always had something to talk about. Nothing was a crisis.
What ever came up, they would work that out too.
What am I going on about, Sorry I was just typing what I was thinking. I'll leave it, see if you can make any sense or it.
Richard
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Juliuskitty
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- Posts: 364
- Joined: Sun Aug 18, 2013 6:13 pm
- Location: South Florida
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valley
- Greener Thumb
- Posts: 1335
- Joined: Tue Mar 06, 2012 1:25 am
- Location: ranches in sierra nevada mountains California & Navada high desert
Greetings, This is an old one, wifey just read it to me..Man rules
1. Men are NOT mind readers. We can try to guess but, we’ll get it wrong every time.
1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one:
Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work!
Just say it!
1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question
1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do.
Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, Expect an answer you don't want to hear.
1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.
In fact, all comments become Null and void after 7 Days.
1. If you think you're fat, you probably are.
Don't ask us. We have programmed our selves to lie on this subject.
1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one
1. You can either ask us to do something
Or tell us how you want it done.
Not both...
If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.
1.Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.
1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," We will act like nothing's wrong.
We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.
1. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings.
Peach, for example, is a fruit, not A color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.
1. don't come right out of the blue and tell me I'm out of shape. I am in shape. Round IS a shape!
1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball, motor sports or fishin’.
1. Crying is out right blackmail.
1. If it itches, it will be scratched.
1. Learn to work the toilet seat.
You're a big girl... If it's up, put it down.
We need it up, you need it down.
You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.
1. Sunday sports. It's like the full moon or the raise and fall of the tides.
Accept it like that, you can’t keep the tide from raising or falling or the cycle of the moon. The moon controls the tied.
1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine... Really!
1. Thank you for reading this.
Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight;
but did you know men really don't mind that? It's like going camping to us.
Pass this to as many men as you can -
to give them a laugh.
Pass this to as many women as you can – most of them really need this educational material.
1. Men are NOT mind readers. We can try to guess but, we’ll get it wrong every time.
1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one:
Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work!
Just say it!
1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question
1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do.
Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, Expect an answer you don't want to hear.
1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.
In fact, all comments become Null and void after 7 Days.
1. If you think you're fat, you probably are.
Don't ask us. We have programmed our selves to lie on this subject.
1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one
1. You can either ask us to do something
Or tell us how you want it done.
Not both...
If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.
1.Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.
1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," We will act like nothing's wrong.
We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.
1. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings.
Peach, for example, is a fruit, not A color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.
1. don't come right out of the blue and tell me I'm out of shape. I am in shape. Round IS a shape!
1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball, motor sports or fishin’.
1. Crying is out right blackmail.
1. If it itches, it will be scratched.
1. Learn to work the toilet seat.
You're a big girl... If it's up, put it down.
We need it up, you need it down.
You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.
1. Sunday sports. It's like the full moon or the raise and fall of the tides.
Accept it like that, you can’t keep the tide from raising or falling or the cycle of the moon. The moon controls the tied.
1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine... Really!
1. Thank you for reading this.
Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight;
but did you know men really don't mind that? It's like going camping to us.
Pass this to as many men as you can -
to give them a laugh.
Pass this to as many women as you can – most of them really need this educational material.
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Juliuskitty
- Green Thumb
- Posts: 364
- Joined: Sun Aug 18, 2013 6:13 pm
- Location: South Florida