tedln
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lorax wrote:LMFAO ! That's like reading on a roll-on deodorant "Do not apply to eyes" - when was the last time you were out on a date and though "well, gee, he was good looking, but he just had that stinky eye...."
I wouldn't know! :shock:

Ted

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lorax
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Or she, I suppose. Being a lady, I generally rephrase jokes to fit my gender preferences.... :shock:

Equally, on Preparation H, it says "for external use only" - which would lead me to believe that somewhere out there there's some poor soul thinking "well, my butt still itches, but I can whistle real good..."

tedln
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Roger that last comment I made was so tasteless I totally trusted you to delete it. I sometimes need help controlling my baser instincts. I waited and waited and finally did it myself.

Ted

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tomf
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Ted your a bad boy. :oops: :shock: :lol:

What I find funny is how woman spend so much time and money on their nails. I have never heard a man say "wow did you see the nails on her".

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applestar
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UNLESS, they're about 6~8 inches too long. :eek:
I actually saw someone like that with nails that were so long they were starting to curl, at Great Adventure, in a line for one of those seat/handlebar gripping rides. :shock: I don't think she was able to hold on very securely.... :lol:

What was so funny was that every one of those talons were manicured, painted with designs and decorated with jewels.... :roll: :roll: :roll:

Here on a GARDENING forum, I'm sure no one would be surprised that my nails are not.
(Just the idea leaves me LMFAO)

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gixxerific
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A farmer is out plowing the field with his mule. They plow a row and the mule stops and will not move. The farmer is yelling and slapping the mule but he won't go and than he finally starts moving. The farmers say's ok "mule that's #1" (meaning first warning). They continue plowing and the mules stops again, the farmer goes through the same set of events, when the mule starts again he say's "mule that is # 2" Again they are plowing and again the mule sits down and stops plowing. Now the farmer is very mad and say's "mule that is #3" and pulls out a gun and shoots the mule.

A couple minutes later the farmers wife comes down after hearing all the ruckus and asks the farmer "why did you shoot the mule?" the farmers say's "okay wife that is #1"

LMFAO :hehe:

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tomf
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Apple star that woman with the long nails could use them to dig in her garden. :roll:
I was on a house boat trip and the woman on the trip all wanted to paint my toe nails. I was feeling some what good so I let them. The next day I went to a gas dock in my boat and the guys there all made fun of me. I told them my story and we had a good laugh.

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gixxerific
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I don't think diggin in the garden is alowed anymore. :lol:

Not to mention that I normally have dirt under my nails I couldn't imagine what might be in there with 6 inch nails. Possilby a huge rock maybe an ear of corn. :lol:

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the farmers say's "okay wife that is #1
:shock: Dono! ROTFLMAO

Eric

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rainbowgardener
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I'm biting my tongue... It's just a joke, it's just a joke....

not LMAO

cynthia_h
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That's maybe b/c you didn't supply your own punch line, like I did....

...Farmer's wife pulls out a 2x4 and thwacks farmer across head with it. "And *that* is to get your attention! Now you have to plow by your own self, you dolt!"

Cynthia

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rainbowgardener
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:)

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wife: "Yes, yes, that's fine. NOW that you've shown you can count to THREE, I want you to work on learning to keep the plow mule ALIVE. But, if you'd like to practice counting some more, you may use these empty cans. Just to make it more challenging, Dear, there are MORE than three."

:wink:

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:lol:

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tomf
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You think the 1,2,3 joke is bad.
An all woman ski club that my wife belongs to was putting on a charity ski race and needed volunteers to help as a reward you would get some free skiing. A coworker who is a bit of a cowboy volunteered and in the prerace meeting he told a very insulting joke to woman. Some of the woman laughed but some gave him a look. I really thought he would loose his head.

tedln
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[img]https://i291.photobucket.com/albums/ll308/tedln/cid_D137F57F02A846A1BFDA52CEFF93251BNORRIDPC.gif[/img]


THE COMPUTER SWALLOWED GRANDMA

The computer swallowed grandma.
Yes, honestly its true!
She pressed 'control' and 'enter'
And disappeared from view.

It devoured her completely,
The thought just makes me squirm.
She must have caught a virus
Or been eaten by a worm.

I've searched through the recycle bin
And files of every kind;
I've even used the Internet,
But nothing did I find.

In desperation, I asked Google
My searches to refine.
The reply from him was negative,
Not a thing was found 'online.'

So, if inside your 'In-box,'
My Grandma you should see,
Please 'Copy, 'Scan' and 'Paste' her
And send her back to me.

[img]https://i291.photobucket.com/albums/ll308/tedln/cid_EA3C48A3DB234A648B5E993CD44336E3NORRIDPC.gif[/img]

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Not sure, but this may have to be deleted.


An old cowboy sat down at the bar and ordered a drink. As he sat sipping his drink, a young woman sat down next to him. She turned to the cowboy and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?"
He replied, "Well, I've spent my whole life, breaking colts, working cows, going to rodeos, fixing fences, pulling calves, bailing hay, doctoring calves, cleaning my barn, fixing flats, working on tractors, and feeding my dogs, so I guess I am a cowboy."

She said, "I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about women. When I shower, I think about women. When I watch TV, I think about women. I even think about women when I eat. It seems that everything makes me think of women."

The two sat sipping in silence.

A little while later, a man sat down on the other side of the old cowboy and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?"

He replied, "I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian."

tedln
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What is this placing becoming? I had to edit (remove) my own risqué post again. Can I no longer trust anyone to make me do the right thing?

Oh well, back to the tamer side of life. I thought my "Computer Ate Grandma" post was funny. Guess my sense of humor is totally wasted.

Ted
Last edited by tedln on Thu Sep 23, 2010 10:04 am, edited 1 time in total.

DoubleDogFarm
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:lol:

Exit stage left

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tomf
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:oops: :oops: :oops: :shock: :shock:

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Pete and Repeat were in a boat, Pete fell out, who was left?

tedln
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A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he's doing a show in a small town in Oklahoma .

With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb blonde jokes.

Suddenly, a blonde woman in the 4th row stands on her chair and starts shouting, 'I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes! What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does the color of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community, and from reaching our full potential as a person, because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes, but women in general and all in the name of humor! "

The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, and the blonde yells,
'You stay out of this, mister! I'm talking to that little idiot on your knee!"

DoubleDogFarm
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:lol: :lol:

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tomf
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I heard that joke only the blonde did not speak so well.

tedln
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Yes Tom, She is a little foul mouthed like most blonds. I cleaned her act up a little before I released her on a family channel.

Ted

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tomf
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You made her sound smart and this is unlikly also. :wink: :lol:

Hay my wife is a blonde; this year any ways. :roll:

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applestar
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Yada yada yada.... :roll:
(... Did a definition search for "yada yada" before posting this :wink:)

tedln
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I was waiting to see if RBG or applestar would yada, yada, yada, us first. Applestar won. Guess she isn't a blond.

Ted

tedln
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I have a question.

Why do drive up ATM machine keys have numbers and braille characters on them?

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So the seeing eye dog driver can help. :P :P :lol:

Charlie MV
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Oh my, I can't leave you little scamps alone for a minute.

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tomf
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tedln wrote:I have a question.

Why do drive up ATM machine keys have numbers and braille characters on them?
This has always had me thinking there must be some blind guys driving around. :roll:

I was in a bar with a person of undisclosed hair color, sex or any other thing one could take offense at and I said “look at xxx xxx, (she, he or it) has more money than brains’. The person that I am giving no physical description of said, “I wish I had more money than brainsâ€

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webmaster
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So a guy goes with his wife to her high school reunion. Over at the bar is a fella pounding back the beers and cocktails, being somewhat loud and a wee rowdy.

Wife leans over and says, "That's Mike So and So. We dated for a year and after we broke up he started drinking and never stopped."

The husband's eyes widen. "Wow!" he says, "That's a long time to celebrate!"

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:lol:

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tomf
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It is only fair that I pick on men also so here we are.

Q. Men always fantasize about having two wives, but woman do not, why?
A. It would just be one more slob to clean up after.

tedln
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hhhhhmmmm! Having the webmaster in here cracking jokes is similar to sitting all alone at a bar drinking a beer when the local cop comes in, sits next to you and orders a cup of coffee. You are not sure if he is getting ready to tell you he just put a ticket on your windshield or he is waiting for you to leave so he can pull you over and arrest you for driving under the influence. Good joke anyhow! :D

Ted

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I woke up in a Soho doorway
A policeman knew my name
He said "You can go sleep at home tonight
If you can get up and walk away"

I staggered back to the underground
And the breeze blew back my hair
I remember throwin' punches around
And preachin' from my chair

Charlie MV
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tedln wrote:hhhhhmmmm! Having the webmaster in here cracking jokes is similar to sitting all alone at a bar drinking a beer when the local cop comes in, sits next to you and orders a cup of coffee. You are not sure if he is getting ready to tell you he just put a ticket on your windshield or he is waiting for you to leave so he can pull you over and arrest you for driving under the influence. Good joke anyhow! :D

Ted
I will deal with Webmaster. We're on a first name basis. He has promised me that I get 1 delete for every 100 times he deleted me. I have 3 to go.

cynthia_h
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Ooooooh, are we going to tell "man" jokes? :twisted:

--How do you get a (non-gardening) guy to exercise?
==> Put the remote between his toes.

Uh-oh...the other one is...ah...never mind. :oops:

Cynthia

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How do you know when it's time to get a new dishwasher?
When the old one expects you to "do your share"



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