Humor test!

[cynthia_h]

I can only hope the candy glued the little varmint's teeth together. Unnh! Fluffy-tailed rats! The audio didn't work for me; did the woman in the first segment *train* the squirrel???

Jeez.

Cynthia

[rainbowgardener]

Link worked for me, with audio, the music is a nice addition. Thanks for posting the link.

The FB one talks about how she "trained" the squirrel by building the course in stages. After the squirrel learned how to do one section, they would add the next so the course kept getting longer and longer.

How can you not love them? The squirrels and raccoons are going to rule the world after humans blow themselves up! They are so smart! I enjoy watching the squirrels, because they seem to spend a lot of their day just playing, chasing each other around the trees, doing daredevil stunts for the pure joy of it!

[tedln]

RBG,

I love squirrels also...................They are especially good with potatoes and a salad on the side.

Ted

[tomf]

There I was is sitting at the bar staring at my drink when a large, trouble-making biker steps up next to me, grabs my drink and gulps it down in one swig.

"Well, whatcha gonna do about it?" he says, menacingly, as I burst into tears.

"Come on, man," the biker says, "I didn't think you'd CRY. I can`t stand to see a man crying."

"This is the worst day of my life," I say. "I'm a complete failure.

I was late to a meeting and my boss fired me.
When I went to the parking lot, I found my car had been stolen and I don't have any insurance.
I left my wallet in the cab I took home.
I found my old lady in bed with the gardener and then my dog bit me."

"So I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all, I buy a drink, I drop a capsule in and sit here watching the poison dissolve; then you show up and drink the whole thing!

[Charlie MV]

Here is the squirrel video on youtube for those of you not on FB!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nWU0bfo-bSY

I am on FB because my job position requires it, not because I want to be. I don't blame any of you who don't want an account.

Great, Six Flags for tree rats and a mechanical street vendor to feed them. I'll never eat out of a machine again. Did you not have a picture of one filching a beer to go with it?

[shadowsmom]

You've been warned....

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=R1zpW1JKbaY&feature=related

[tedln]

A mother calls 911 very worried asking the dispatcher if she needs to take
her kid to the emergency room, the kid had eaten ants. The dispatcher
tells her to give the kid some Benadryl and he should be fine, the mother
says, 'I just gave him some ant killer.....Dispatcher: 'Rush him in to emergency!'

Ted

[DoubleDogFarm]

Did you hear about the dyslexic, agnostic, insomniac who stays up all night wondering if there really is a Dog?

[tomf]

For all you hunters.

Two hunters were out on a hunting trip when one accidently got shot. His buddy called 911 and told the operator what had happened. The 911 operator asked how the guy who got shot was doing. The man who called 911 said no need to hurry as he is dead. The operator asked how he knew the man was dead. The caller said he looks dead. So the operator told him he needed to be sure his buddy was dead. Then she heard a loud BANG!

[tedln]

Recently, when I went to McDonald's I saw on the menu that you could have an order of 6, 9 or 12 Chicken McNuggets. I asked for a half dozen nuggets. 'We don't have half dozen nuggets,' said the teenager at the counter. 'You don't?' I replied.'We only have six, nine, or twelve,' was the reply. 'So I can't order a half dozen nuggets, but I can order six?' 'That's right.' So I shook my head and ordered six McNuggets
(Obviously will graduate next year?)


A woman at work was seen putting a credit card into her floppy drive and pulling it out very quickly. When I inquired as to what she was doing, she said she was shopping on the Internet and they kept asking for a credit card number, so she was using the ATM 'thingy.'
(keep shuddering!!)

[webmaster]

Please let's resist the temptation to take this off color.

Thanks.

[tedln]

Shadowsmom,

I am still laughing!

Ted

[Charlie MV]

Which one Roger, I'm still laughing too.

Tom had me at "bang"

[cynthia_h]

A woman at work was seen putting a credit card into her floppy drive and pulling it out very quickly. When I inquired as to what she was doing, she said she was shopping on the Internet and they kept asking for a credit card number, so she was using the ATM 'thingy.'
(keep shuddering!!)

OK, tedln, just how OLD is this joke you've recycled? Show me a computer that still has a floppy drive and I'll show you a computer whose operating system hasn't been supported by either Microsoft or Apple for several YEARS. I'm not sure whether UNIX or LINUX understand "floppy," either....

Too bad, too. I kind of understood what was happening with a floppy. Now I get lost, technologically, much faster....

Cynthia

[tedln]

A woman at work was seen putting a credit card into her floppy drive and pulling it out very quickly. When I inquired as to what she was doing, she said she was shopping on the Internet and they kept asking for a credit card number, so she was using the ATM 'thingy.'
(keep shuddering!!)

OK, tedln, just how OLD is this joke you've recycled? Show me a computer that still has a floppy drive and I'll show you a computer whose operating system hasn't been supported by either Microsoft or Apple for several YEARS. I'm not sure whether UNIX or LINUX understand "floppy," either....

Too bad, too. I kind of understood what was happening with a floppy. Now I get lost, technologically, much faster....

Cynthia

The joke must be old, but would you expect an old man like me to have new jokes. Shouldn't jokes be age appropriate?

I still have a computer with a 3 1/2" floppy drive. I have kept it stored in a closet for three or four years as a backup.

I will look around for some newer jokes though. I don't want to become dated just because my jokes are old.

Ted

[tomf]

A city boy asked the farmer if he could get some butter from the field, farmer says you get butter from cows. City boy says but I see butter cups down there. Oh and some milkweed also.

Now that is a bad joke!!!

[tedln]

I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car. 'Do you
need some help?' I asked. She replied, 'I knew I should have replaced the battery to this remote door unlocker. Now I can't get into my car. Do you think they (pointing to a distant convenience store) would have a battery to fit this?' 'Hmmm, I don't know. Do you have an alarm, too?' I asked.
'No, just this remote thingy,' she answered, handing it and the car keys
to me. As I took the key and manually unlocked the door, I replied, 'Why
don't you drive over there and check about the batteries. It's a long walk....' (PLEASE just lay down before you hurt yourself)

Ted

[tedln]

Several years ago, we had an Intern who was none too swift. One day she was typing and turned to a secretary and said, 'I'm almost out of typing paper. What do I do?' 'Just use paper from the photocopier', the secretary told her. With that, the intern took her last remaining blank piece of paper,
put it on the photocopier and proceeded to make five 'blank' copies. (Brunette, by the way!!)

Ted

[Kisal]

Last night, my kids and I were sitting in the living room and I said to them, "I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens to me, just pull the plug." They got up, unplugged my computer and threw out my wine.

[Charlie MV]

cynthia_h, you should look closely at the picture of mine and Ted's family in his avatar. I don't know about cousin Ted but my Acme computer is steam driven.

[tedln]

I don't know if military humor is okay, but hey; everyone needs a break from the routine.

[img]https://i291.photobucket.com/albums/ll308/tedln/Military%20Humor/cid_X_MA25_1219500954aol.jpg[/img]
[img]https://i291.photobucket.com/albums/ll308/tedln/Military%20Humor/cid_X_MA14_1219500954aol.jpg[/img]
[img]https://i291.photobucket.com/albums/ll308/tedln/Military%20Humor/cid_X_MA13_1219500954aol.jpg[/img]
[img]https://i291.photobucket.com/albums/ll308/tedln/Military%20Humor/cid_X_MA12_1219500954aol.jpg[/img]
[img]https://i291.photobucket.com/albums/ll308/tedln/Military%20Humor/cid_X_MA10_1219500954aol.jpg[/img]
[img]https://i291.photobucket.com/albums/ll308/tedln/Military%20Humor/cid_X_MA9_1219500954aol.jpg[/img]
[img]https://i291.photobucket.com/albums/ll308/tedln/Military%20Humor/cid_X_MA6_1219500954aol.jpg[/img]
[img]https://i291.photobucket.com/albums/ll308/tedln/Military%20Humor/cid_X_MA2_1219500954aol.jpg[/img]

Ted

[rainbowgardener]

Since you guys have been posting dumb women stories, here's one back. True story courtesy of news of the weird:

Veteran criminal Nathan Pugh, 49, walked in to a Wells Fargo bank in Dallas on July 26 and presented his holdup note to a teller (claiming to have a "bom"). The teller told Pugh that she could not release large amounts of money without proper ID and convinced Pugh to turn over both a Texas state ID card and his Wells Fargo debit card, both in his own name. Police arrived just as Pugh was leaving and after an attempt to grab a hostage, he was arrested. (He even failed with the hostage -- a woman carrying a child -- who still managed to take Pugh to the floor.) [Dallas Morning News, 8-5-10]

https://www.newsoftheweird.com/archive/index.html

[Charlie MV]

Since you guys have been posting dumb women stories, here's one back. True story courtesy of news of the weird:

Veteran criminal Nathan Pugh, 49, walked in to a Wells Fargo bank in Dallas on July 26 and presented his holdup note to a teller (claiming to have a "bom"). The teller told Pugh that she could not release large amounts of money without proper ID and convinced Pugh to turn over both a Texas state ID card and his Wells Fargo debit card, both in his own name. Police arrived just as Pugh was leaving and after an attempt to grab a hostage, he was arrested. (He even failed with the hostage -- a woman carrying a child -- who still managed to take Pugh to the floor.) [Dallas Morning News, 8-5-10]

https://www.newsoftheweird.com/archive/index.html

Gee Whizz Ted, our cousins are everywhere. rainbowgardener, did you get a close up picture of this guys teeth?

[gixxerific]

That's good stuff RBG we had yet another bank robbery a few day's ago where and older man (50 ' 60's) chased a robber down the street and held the younger man (37) to the ground till police arrived.

This guy is hardcore all the way kinda funny video, you just can't write this kind of stuff
https://www.fox2now.com/news/ktvi-bank-hero-robbery-stopped-091610,0,1737437.story

[rainbowgardener]

You like that, here's a similar one, maybe even better:

Justin Johnson, 21, was arrested in Bloomfield, Ind., in July after failing to get a Bloomfield State Bank branch to cash his bogus check for $1 million, which he presented to a teller in the bank's drive-through window. Optimistic, he had handed over his driver's license for ID along with the check. [Greene County Daily World (Linton, Ind.), 7-27-10]

https://www.newsoftheweird.com/archive/nw100815.html

So this guy thinks he's just going to write a check for a million dollars and no one will think anything of it and hand it over?

Least competent criminals is a recurring theme over at news of the weird.

[gixxerific]

We got a fake 1 million dollar bill from a parade a while back. I have handed ti to cashiers at some places I frequent. They get a kick out of it but no takers as of yet.

I have a stupid criminal story for you.

A few years ago this guy was going to rob a convenient store. So being the smart criminal he was he climbed the roof to access the interior without setting off alarms. Once in the attic section he made his way through a bit than fell through the ceiling landing right at the feet of 2 police officers who were getting coffee. Oh did I mention the convenient store was open 24 hours.

[lorax]

(bear with me, I'm translating this from Kichua)

One time the town held a contest to find out the secrets of a long life, and invited everybody in the valleys around to enter their old folks - they would ask the three oldest men their secrets. It took a while to narrow down the selection, but finally they found the three oldest guys.

The first one came in with one arm around his son, but seemed in pretty good health. The mayor congratulated him on making the trip, and asked him his secret. The old guy replied "bread and water for breakfast, bread and water for lunch, bread and water for dinner." And the mayor asked how old he was. "I'm 95."

Fantastic! Bring on the second man! This guy is a bit shakier - he's stooped and he's got his two grandsons supporting him, but he still seems to be in good health. And what's your secret? "Yogurt for breakfast, yogurt for lunch, yogurt for dinner!" And how old are you? "120."

Wow! The town was learning a lot from these old guys. Bring the third man, says the mayor. This guy is in terrible shape. He's wizened and wrinkled and he's got four friends carrying him. The mayor looks at him and says "folks, I think we might have a winner. Tell me, sir, what's your secret?" The man speaks in a faint and shaky voice. He says "women at breakfast, women at lunch, and women at dinner." Amazing! And how old are you, sir?"

"I'm 25."

[tedln]

After an early morning fishing trip, the man hooked up to the dock, went in the house and took a nap. His wife seeing the boat hooked up and ready to go, decided to do some peaceful reading in a quite cove.

After reading a short while, a wildlife officer pulled alongside the boat and asked the lady what she was doing. When she replied "I am reading", the officer said "well I see you have fishing gear on board. If you don't have a fishing license; I will have to take you in and write you a ticket". When the lady replied "I'm only reading", the officer said "yes mam, but you have the equipment and could start fishing at any moment".

The lady said "If you take me in, I will file charges of assault against you". The officer replied "but I haven't touched you". The lady responded " I know, but you have the equipment and could start at any moment". The officer said "enjoy your book" as he left.

The moral of the story is "don't mess with ladies who can read".


Does this joke balance the scales RBG?

[tedln]

I was checking out at the local Walmart with just a few items and the lady behind me put her things on the belt close to mine.. I picked up one of those 'dividers' that they keep by the cash register and placed it between our things so they wouldn't get mixed. After the girl had scanned all of my items, she picked up the 'divider', looking it all over for the bar code so she could scan it. Not finding the bar code, she said to me, 'Do you know how much this is? I said to her 'I've changed my mind; I don't think I'll buy that today.' She said 'OK,' and I paid her for the things and left. (She had no clue to what had just happened.)

[lorax]

! That's like reading on a roll-on deodorant "Do not apply to eyes" - when was the last time you were out on a date and though "well, gee, he was good looking, but he just had that stinky eye...."

[tedln]

! That's like reading on a roll-on deodorant "Do not apply to eyes" - when was the last time you were out on a date and though "well, gee, he was good looking, but he just had that stinky eye...."

I wouldn't know!

Ted

[lorax]

Or she, I suppose. Being a lady, I generally rephrase jokes to fit my gender preferences....

Equally, on Preparation H, it says "for external use only" - which would lead me to believe that somewhere out there there's some poor soul thinking "well, my butt still itches, but I can whistle real good..."

[tedln]

Roger that last comment I made was so tasteless I totally trusted you to delete it. I sometimes need help controlling my baser instincts. I waited and waited and finally did it myself.

Ted

[tomf]

Ted your a bad boy.

What I find funny is how woman spend so much time and money on their nails. I have never heard a man say "wow did you see the nails on her".

[applestar]

UNLESS, they're about 6~8 inches too long.
I actually saw someone like that with nails that were so long they were starting to curl, at Great Adventure, in a line for one of those seat/handlebar gripping rides. I don't think she was able to hold on very securely....

What was so funny was that every one of those talons were manicured, painted with designs and decorated with jewels....

Here on a GARDENING forum, I'm sure no one would be surprised that my nails are not.
(Just the idea leaves me )

[gixxerific]

A farmer is out plowing the field with his mule. They plow a row and the mule stops and will not move. The farmer is yelling and slapping the mule but he won't go and than he finally starts moving. The farmers say's ok "mule that's #1" (meaning first warning). They continue plowing and the mules stops again, the farmer goes through the same set of events, when the mule starts again he say's "mule that is # 2" Again they are plowing and again the mule sits down and stops plowing. Now the farmer is very mad and say's "mule that is #3" and pulls out a gun and shoots the mule.

A couple minutes later the farmers wife comes down after hearing all the ruckus and asks the farmer "why did you shoot the mule?" the farmers say's "okay wife that is #1"

[tomf]

Apple star that woman with the long nails could use them to dig in her garden.
I was on a house boat trip and the woman on the trip all wanted to paint my toe nails. I was feeling some what good so I let them. The next day I went to a gas dock in my boat and the guys there all made fun of me. I told them my story and we had a good laugh.

[gixxerific]

I don't think diggin in the garden is alowed anymore.

Not to mention that I normally have dirt under my nails I couldn't imagine what might be in there with 6 inch nails. Possilby a huge rock maybe an ear of corn.

[DoubleDogFarm]

the farmers say's "okay wife that is #1

Dono! ROTFLMAO

Eric

[rainbowgardener]

I'm biting my tongue... It's just a joke, it's just a joke....

not LMAO