Humor test!

[tomf]

A city boy asked the farmer if he could get some butter from the field, farmer says you get butter from cows. City boy says but I see butter cups down there. Oh and some milkweed also.

Now that is a bad joke!!!

[tedln]

I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car. 'Do you
need some help?' I asked. She replied, 'I knew I should have replaced the battery to this remote door unlocker. Now I can't get into my car. Do you think they (pointing to a distant convenience store) would have a battery to fit this?' 'Hmmm, I don't know. Do you have an alarm, too?' I asked.
'No, just this remote thingy,' she answered, handing it and the car keys
to me. As I took the key and manually unlocked the door, I replied, 'Why
don't you drive over there and check about the batteries. It's a long walk....' (PLEASE just lay down before you hurt yourself)

Ted

[tedln]

Several years ago, we had an Intern who was none too swift. One day she was typing and turned to a secretary and said, 'I'm almost out of typing paper. What do I do?' 'Just use paper from the photocopier', the secretary told her. With that, the intern took her last remaining blank piece of paper,
put it on the photocopier and proceeded to make five 'blank' copies. (Brunette, by the way!!)

Ted

[Kisal]

Last night, my kids and I were sitting in the living room and I said to them, "I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens to me, just pull the plug." They got up, unplugged my computer and threw out my wine.

[Charlie MV]

cynthia_h, you should look closely at the picture of mine and Ted's family in his avatar. I don't know about cousin Ted but my Acme computer is steam driven.

[tedln]

I don't know if military humor is okay, but hey; everyone needs a break from the routine.

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Ted

[rainbowgardener]

Since you guys have been posting dumb women stories, here's one back. True story courtesy of news of the weird:

Veteran criminal Nathan Pugh, 49, walked in to a Wells Fargo bank in Dallas on July 26 and presented his holdup note to a teller (claiming to have a "bom"). The teller told Pugh that she could not release large amounts of money without proper ID and convinced Pugh to turn over both a Texas state ID card and his Wells Fargo debit card, both in his own name. Police arrived just as Pugh was leaving and after an attempt to grab a hostage, he was arrested. (He even failed with the hostage -- a woman carrying a child -- who still managed to take Pugh to the floor.) [Dallas Morning News, 8-5-10]

https://www.newsoftheweird.com/archive/index.html

[Charlie MV]

Since you guys have been posting dumb women stories, here's one back. True story courtesy of news of the weird:

Veteran criminal Nathan Pugh, 49, walked in to a Wells Fargo bank in Dallas on July 26 and presented his holdup note to a teller (claiming to have a "bom"). The teller told Pugh that she could not release large amounts of money without proper ID and convinced Pugh to turn over both a Texas state ID card and his Wells Fargo debit card, both in his own name. Police arrived just as Pugh was leaving and after an attempt to grab a hostage, he was arrested. (He even failed with the hostage -- a woman carrying a child -- who still managed to take Pugh to the floor.) [Dallas Morning News, 8-5-10]

https://www.newsoftheweird.com/archive/index.html

Gee Whizz Ted, our cousins are everywhere. rainbowgardener, did you get a close up picture of this guys teeth?

[gixxerific]

That's good stuff RBG we had yet another bank robbery a few day's ago where and older man (50 ' 60's) chased a robber down the street and held the younger man (37) to the ground till police arrived.

This guy is hardcore all the way kinda funny video, you just can't write this kind of stuff
https://www.fox2now.com/news/ktvi-bank-hero-robbery-stopped-091610,0,1737437.story

[rainbowgardener]

You like that, here's a similar one, maybe even better:

Justin Johnson, 21, was arrested in Bloomfield, Ind., in July after failing to get a Bloomfield State Bank branch to cash his bogus check for $1 million, which he presented to a teller in the bank's drive-through window. Optimistic, he had handed over his driver's license for ID along with the check. [Greene County Daily World (Linton, Ind.), 7-27-10]

https://www.newsoftheweird.com/archive/nw100815.html

So this guy thinks he's just going to write a check for a million dollars and no one will think anything of it and hand it over?

Least competent criminals is a recurring theme over at news of the weird.

[gixxerific]

We got a fake 1 million dollar bill from a parade a while back. I have handed ti to cashiers at some places I frequent. They get a kick out of it but no takers as of yet.

I have a stupid criminal story for you.

A few years ago this guy was going to rob a convenient store. So being the smart criminal he was he climbed the roof to access the interior without setting off alarms. Once in the attic section he made his way through a bit than fell through the ceiling landing right at the feet of 2 police officers who were getting coffee. Oh did I mention the convenient store was open 24 hours.

[lorax]

(bear with me, I'm translating this from Kichua)

One time the town held a contest to find out the secrets of a long life, and invited everybody in the valleys around to enter their old folks - they would ask the three oldest men their secrets. It took a while to narrow down the selection, but finally they found the three oldest guys.

The first one came in with one arm around his son, but seemed in pretty good health. The mayor congratulated him on making the trip, and asked him his secret. The old guy replied "bread and water for breakfast, bread and water for lunch, bread and water for dinner." And the mayor asked how old he was. "I'm 95."

Fantastic! Bring on the second man! This guy is a bit shakier - he's stooped and he's got his two grandsons supporting him, but he still seems to be in good health. And what's your secret? "Yogurt for breakfast, yogurt for lunch, yogurt for dinner!" And how old are you? "120."

Wow! The town was learning a lot from these old guys. Bring the third man, says the mayor. This guy is in terrible shape. He's wizened and wrinkled and he's got four friends carrying him. The mayor looks at him and says "folks, I think we might have a winner. Tell me, sir, what's your secret?" The man speaks in a faint and shaky voice. He says "women at breakfast, women at lunch, and women at dinner." Amazing! And how old are you, sir?"

"I'm 25."

[tedln]

After an early morning fishing trip, the man hooked up to the dock, went in the house and took a nap. His wife seeing the boat hooked up and ready to go, decided to do some peaceful reading in a quite cove.

After reading a short while, a wildlife officer pulled alongside the boat and asked the lady what she was doing. When she replied "I am reading", the officer said "well I see you have fishing gear on board. If you don't have a fishing license; I will have to take you in and write you a ticket". When the lady replied "I'm only reading", the officer said "yes mam, but you have the equipment and could start fishing at any moment".

The lady said "If you take me in, I will file charges of assault against you". The officer replied "but I haven't touched you". The lady responded " I know, but you have the equipment and could start at any moment". The officer said "enjoy your book" as he left.

The moral of the story is "don't mess with ladies who can read".


Does this joke balance the scales RBG?

[tedln]

I was checking out at the local Walmart with just a few items and the lady behind me put her things on the belt close to mine.. I picked up one of those 'dividers' that they keep by the cash register and placed it between our things so they wouldn't get mixed. After the girl had scanned all of my items, she picked up the 'divider', looking it all over for the bar code so she could scan it. Not finding the bar code, she said to me, 'Do you know how much this is? I said to her 'I've changed my mind; I don't think I'll buy that today.' She said 'OK,' and I paid her for the things and left. (She had no clue to what had just happened.)

[lorax]

! That's like reading on a roll-on deodorant "Do not apply to eyes" - when was the last time you were out on a date and though "well, gee, he was good looking, but he just had that stinky eye...."

[tedln]

! That's like reading on a roll-on deodorant "Do not apply to eyes" - when was the last time you were out on a date and though "well, gee, he was good looking, but he just had that stinky eye...."

I wouldn't know!

Ted

[lorax]

Or she, I suppose. Being a lady, I generally rephrase jokes to fit my gender preferences....

Equally, on Preparation H, it says "for external use only" - which would lead me to believe that somewhere out there there's some poor soul thinking "well, my butt still itches, but I can whistle real good..."

[tedln]

Roger that last comment I made was so tasteless I totally trusted you to delete it. I sometimes need help controlling my baser instincts. I waited and waited and finally did it myself.

Ted

[tomf]

Ted your a bad boy.

What I find funny is how woman spend so much time and money on their nails. I have never heard a man say "wow did you see the nails on her".

[applestar]

UNLESS, they're about 6~8 inches too long.
I actually saw someone like that with nails that were so long they were starting to curl, at Great Adventure, in a line for one of those seat/handlebar gripping rides. I don't think she was able to hold on very securely....

What was so funny was that every one of those talons were manicured, painted with designs and decorated with jewels....

Here on a GARDENING forum, I'm sure no one would be surprised that my nails are not.
(Just the idea leaves me )

[gixxerific]

A farmer is out plowing the field with his mule. They plow a row and the mule stops and will not move. The farmer is yelling and slapping the mule but he won't go and than he finally starts moving. The farmers say's ok "mule that's #1" (meaning first warning). They continue plowing and the mules stops again, the farmer goes through the same set of events, when the mule starts again he say's "mule that is # 2" Again they are plowing and again the mule sits down and stops plowing. Now the farmer is very mad and say's "mule that is #3" and pulls out a gun and shoots the mule.

A couple minutes later the farmers wife comes down after hearing all the ruckus and asks the farmer "why did you shoot the mule?" the farmers say's "okay wife that is #1"

[tomf]

Apple star that woman with the long nails could use them to dig in her garden.
I was on a house boat trip and the woman on the trip all wanted to paint my toe nails. I was feeling some what good so I let them. The next day I went to a gas dock in my boat and the guys there all made fun of me. I told them my story and we had a good laugh.

[gixxerific]

I don't think diggin in the garden is alowed anymore.

Not to mention that I normally have dirt under my nails I couldn't imagine what might be in there with 6 inch nails. Possilby a huge rock maybe an ear of corn.

[DoubleDogFarm]

the farmers say's "okay wife that is #1

Dono! ROTFLMAO

Eric

[rainbowgardener]

I'm biting my tongue... It's just a joke, it's just a joke....

not LMAO

[cynthia_h]

That's maybe b/c you didn't supply your own punch line, like I did....

...Farmer's wife pulls out a 2x4 and thwacks farmer across head with it. "And *that* is to get your attention! Now you have to plow by your own self, you dolt!"

Cynthia

[rainbowgardener]

[applestar]

wife: "Yes, yes, that's fine. NOW that you've shown you can count to THREE, I want you to work on learning to keep the plow mule ALIVE. But, if you'd like to practice counting some more, you may use these empty cans. Just to make it more challenging, Dear, there are MORE than three."

[DoubleDogFarm]

[tomf]

You think the 1,2,3 joke is bad.
An all woman ski club that my wife belongs to was putting on a charity ski race and needed volunteers to help as a reward you would get some free skiing. A coworker who is a bit of a cowboy volunteered and in the prerace meeting he told a very insulting joke to woman. Some of the woman laughed but some gave him a look. I really thought he would loose his head.

[tedln]

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THE COMPUTER SWALLOWED GRANDMA

The computer swallowed grandma.
Yes, honestly its true!
She pressed 'control' and 'enter'
And disappeared from view.

It devoured her completely,
The thought just makes me squirm.
She must have caught a virus
Or been eaten by a worm.

I've searched through the recycle bin
And files of every kind;
I've even used the Internet,
But nothing did I find.

In desperation, I asked Google
My searches to refine.
The reply from him was negative,
Not a thing was found 'online.'

So, if inside your 'In-box,'
My Grandma you should see,
Please 'Copy, 'Scan' and 'Paste' her
And send her back to me.

[img]https://i291.photobucket.com/albums/ll308/tedln/cid_EA3C48A3DB234A648B5E993CD44336E3NORRIDPC.gif[/img]

[DoubleDogFarm]

Not sure, but this may have to be deleted.


An old cowboy sat down at the bar and ordered a drink. As he sat sipping his drink, a young woman sat down next to him. She turned to the cowboy and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?"
He replied, "Well, I've spent my whole life, breaking colts, working cows, going to rodeos, fixing fences, pulling calves, bailing hay, doctoring calves, cleaning my barn, fixing flats, working on tractors, and feeding my dogs, so I guess I am a cowboy."

She said, "I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about women. When I shower, I think about women. When I watch TV, I think about women. I even think about women when I eat. It seems that everything makes me think of women."

The two sat sipping in silence.

A little while later, a man sat down on the other side of the old cowboy and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?"

He replied, "I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian."

[tedln]

What is this placing becoming? I had to edit (remove) my own risqué post again. Can I no longer trust anyone to make me do the right thing?

Oh well, back to the tamer side of life. I thought my "Computer Ate Grandma" post was funny. Guess my sense of humor is totally wasted.

Ted

[DoubleDogFarm]

Exit stage left

[tomf]

[DoubleDogFarm]

Pete and Repeat were in a boat, Pete fell out, who was left?

[tedln]

A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he's doing a show in a small town in Oklahoma .

With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb blonde jokes.

Suddenly, a blonde woman in the 4th row stands on her chair and starts shouting, 'I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes! What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does the color of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community, and from reaching our full potential as a person, because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes, but women in general and all in the name of humor! "

The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, and the blonde yells,
'You stay out of this, mister! I'm talking to that little idiot on your knee!"

[DoubleDogFarm]

[tomf]

I heard that joke only the blonde did not speak so well.

[tedln]

Yes Tom, She is a little foul mouthed like most blonds. I cleaned her act up a little before I released her on a family channel.

Ted