wingdesigner
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JOKE THREAD

Will try to keep them all in one place from now on.

You're in the Army, now.

A guy was drafted into the Army and had to report for the physical. He wasn't going to make life easy for them as he wasn't happy about being drafted. During the physical, the doctor asked him to read the letters on the wall. "What letters?" the young man replied, slyly. The doctor smiled and said: "Good, you passed the hearing test."

wingdesigner
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Ants

Ants can carry 20 times their own body weight; which is useful information if you need help moving a potato chip across town.

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Sienna Dawn
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TWO LADIES TALKING IN HEAVEN




Two Ladies Talking in Heaven

1st woman: Hi! My name is Sherry.

2nd woman: Hi! I'm Sylvia. How'd you die?

1st woman: I froze to death.

2nd woman: How horrible!

1st woman: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm & sleepy, & finally died a peaceful death. What about you?

2nd woman: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.

1st woman: So, what happened?

2nd woman: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic & searched, & down into the basement. Then I went through every closet & checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, & finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack & died.

1st woman: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer---we'd both still be alive.

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:hehe: Grroannn!

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Sienna Dawn
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Ooohhh, groaners? I got 'em!! They're my faves!!!

:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:


Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.

A set of Jumper Cables walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."

Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.

A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: "Two beers please, one for me and one for the road."

Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"

"Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.'"
"That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome."
"Is it common?"
"Well, It's Not Unusual."


An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.

Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.

I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.

I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a mussel.

What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says, "Dam!".

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse.
"But why," they asked, as they moved off.
"Because," he said, "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."

A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."

Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him (Oh, man, this is so bad, it's good)..... A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.


:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

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Q. Where do you find a one legged dog?
A. Where you left it.

wingdesigner
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An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either. I think you should post that on the "nothing" thread... I'm gonna go spread the rest of these around some other unsuspecting forums. 8)

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Bible Quiz (hope you don't mind!)

Q. What kind of man was Boaz before he married Ruth?
A. Ruthless.

Q. What do they call pastors in Germany ?
A. German Shepherds.

Q. Who was the greatest male financier in the Bible?
A. Noah. He was floating his stock while everyone else was in liquidation.

Q. Who was the greatest female financier in the Bible?
A. Pharaoh's daughter. She went down to the bank of the Nile and drew out a little prophet.

Q. What kind of motor vehicles are in the Bible?
A. Jehovah drove Adam and Eve out of the Garden in a Fury. David's Triumph was heard throughout the land. Also, probably a Honda, because the apostles were all in one Accord.

Q.. Who was the greatest comedian in the Bible?
A. Samson. He brought the house down.

Q. What excuse did Adam give to his children as to why he no longer lived in Eden ?
A. Your mother ate us out of house and home.

Q. Which servant of God was the most flagrant lawbreaker in the Bible?
A. Moses. He broke all 10 commandments at once.

Q. Which area of Palestine was especially wealthy?
A. The area around Jordan . The banks were always overflowing.

Q. Who is the greatest babysitter mentioned in the Bible?
A. David. He rocked Goliath to a very deep sleep.

Q. Which Bible character had no parents?
A. Joshua, son of Nun.

Q. Why didn't they play cards on the Ark ?
A. Because Noah was standing on the deck. (Groan...)

PS. Did you know it's a SIN for a WOMAN to make COFFEE?
Yes, it's in the BIBLE. It says . . . "HE-BREWS"

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Kisal
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Child Artist

MAKE SURE TO READ MOM'S REPLY BELOW THE PICTURE…

[img]https://i252.photobucket.com/albums/hh27/Kisal_photos/image0011.jpg[/img]







Dear Mrs. Jones,
I wish to clarify that I am not now, nor have I ever been, an exotic dancer. I work at Home Depot and I told Sarah how hectic it was last week before the blizzard hit. I told her we sold out every single shovel we had. Then I found one more in the back room, and several people were fighting over who would get it. Sarah's picture does NOT show me dancing around a pole. It's supposed to depict me selling the last snow shovel we had at Home Depot. From now on I will remember to check her homework more thoroughly before she turns it in.

Sincerely,
Mrs. Smith

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Sienna Dawn
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And now for a little story

Wouldn't you know it? Yesterday I had a flat tire on B.C.'s Highway One.

I eased my car over to the shoulder of the road, carefully got out of the car and opened the trunk. I took out 2 cardboard men, unfolded them and stood them at the rear of my car facing oncoming traffic. They look so lifelike you wouldn't believe! They are in trench coats, exposing their nude bodies and private parts to the approaching drivers. I started to change my tire, and to my surprise, cars started slowing down looking at my lifelike men. And of course, traffic started backing up. Everybody was tooting their horns and waving like crazy. It wasn't long before an RCMP highway patrolman pulled up behind me. He got out of his car and started walking towards me. I could tell he was not a happy camper!

"What's going on here?"

"My car has a flat tire."

"Well, what are those obscene cardboard men doing here by the road?"

I couldn't believe that he didn't know, so I told him...




"Hello-o-o-o-o-o --------- those are my emergency flashers!"



:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

wingdesigner
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S.D., please tell me you're not blonde...

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Sienna Dawn
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LOLOL!!!! Noooooooo!

Weeelllll, on second thought, if you count all the white hairs betwixt the brunette... :lol: :lol:

wingdesigner
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Good, 'cuz I have a whole repertoire of blonde jokes.

No grey hairs (or hares) here, we're all dye jobs! :wink:

wingdesigner
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Fractured news item

From the Seguin, TX "Gazette":

The bride-elect was showered with pieces of her chosen china.

New car commercial on KFDM-TV, Beaumont TX:
"Monthly payments in many cases will be less than your repair bill."

wingdesigner
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3 ladies in a sauna (kinda risque)

THREE WOMEN, TWO YOUNGER, AND ONE SENIOR CITIZEN, WERE SITTING IN A SAUNA. SUDDENLY THERE WAS A BEEPING SOUND. THE YOUNG WOMAN PRESSED HER FOREARM AND THE BEEP STOPPED. THE OTHERS LOOKED AT HER QUESTIONINGLY. "THAT WAS MY PAGER," SHE SAID, "I HAVE A MICROCHIP IMPLANTED UNDER THE SKIN OF MY ARM."

A FEW MINUTES LATER, A PHONE RANG. THE SECOND YOUNG WOMAN LIFTED HER PALM TO HER EAR. WHEN SHE FINISHED, SHE EXPLAINED, "THAT WAS MY MOBILE PHONE. I HAVE A MICROCHIP IN MY HAND."

THE OLDER WOMAN FELT VERY LOW-TECH. NOT TO BE OUTDONE, SHE DECIDED SHE HAD TO DO SOMETHING JUST AS IMPRESSIVE. SHE STEPPED OUT OF THE SAUNA AND WENT TO THE BATHROOM. SHE RETURNED WITH A PIECE OF TOILET PAPER HANGING FROM HER REAR END.

THE OTHERS RAISED THEIR EYEBROWS AND STARED AT HER. THE OLDER WOMAN FINALLY SAID: "WELL, WILL YOU LOOK AT THAT...I'm GETTING A FAX!!!"

wingdesigner
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I was hoping I wasn't going to get banned for that one. :hide:

wingdesigner
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How to start fights.

My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was
flipping channels. She asked, 'What's on TV?' I said, 'Dust.'

And that's when the fight started....
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason,
took my order first. "I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please."
He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?" "Nah, she can order for
herself."

And that's when the fight started....
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She is
not happy with what she sees and says to me,
"'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment." I replied: "'Your eyesight's darn near perfect."

And that's when the fight started....
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Miller Light for
$14.95. Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95. I told her
the beer would make her look better at night than the cold cream.

And that's when the fight started....
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

My wife asked me if a certain dress made her butt look big. I
told her not as much as the dress she wore yesterday...

And that's when the fight started....
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for
our anniversary?" It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet
appreciation. "Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said.
So I suggested, "How about the kitchen?"

And that's when the fight started....
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

My wife and I are watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while
we were in bed. I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?"
"No," she answered. I then said, "Is that your final answer?" She didn't
even look at me this time, simply saying "Yes.'
So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."

And that's when the fight started....



Sigh. He was just trying to be helpful... :hide:

wingdesigner
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Always wear (clean) underwear in public.

Warning--this may be a bit risque for the more genteel among us...

From the Northwest Florida Daily News comes this story of a
Crestview couple who drove their car to Wal-Mart, only to have their car break down in the parking lot.

The man told his wife to carry on with the shopping while he fixed the car in the lot. The wife returned later to see a small group of people near the car.

On closer inspection, she saw a pair of male legs protruding from under the chassis. Although the man was in shorts, his lack of underpants turned private parts into glaringly public ones. Unable to stand the embarrassment, she dutifully stepped forward, quickly put her hand UP his shorts, and tucked everything back into place. On regaining her feet, she looked across the hood and found herself staring at her husband who was standing idly by.

The mechanic, however, had to have three stitches in his forehead.

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[img]https://www.smileyhut.com/laughing/rofl.gif[/img] [img]https://www.smileyhut.com/laughing/rofl.gif[/img] [img]https://www.smileyhut.com/laughing/rofl.gif[/img]

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A man walks into a flower shop...

A man walks into a flower shop "I'd like some flowers please."
The clerk says: "Certainly, Sir. What did you have in mind?"
He shrugs "Well I'm not sure, I uh, I uh, I uh..."

Clerk: "Perhaps I could help. What exactly have you done?"

wingdesigner
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Garden groaners

Pirated from someone else.


I always thought a yard was three feet---until I started mowing the lawn.

What do you get if you cross a four leaf clover with poison ivy?
A rash of good luck.

The best way to garden is to put on a wide-brimmed straw hat
and some old clothes. Then with a hoe in one hand and a cold
drink in the other, tell somebody else where to dig.

Botanists have developed a vegetable that eliminates the need to brush your teeth.
Bristle sprouts. (and I thought that's what broom corn was for!)

A Veggie New Age Song:

Peas would rule the planets,
and love would clear the bars.
It was the dawning of the Age of Asparagus.

Last week I bought an ant farm. I don't know where I am
going to get a tractor that small!
- Steven Wright

And the last quote of the evening (slightly risque):

You can lead a horticulture but you can't make her think.
- Dorothy Parker

wingdesigner
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Vegetable Soup

Checking the menu, a restaurant customer ordered a bowl of vegetable soup. After a couple of spoonfuls, he saw a circle of wetness right under the bowl on the tablecloth. He called the waitress over and said, "It's all wet down here. The bowl must be cracked."
The waitress said, "You ordered vegetable soup, maybe it has a leek in it."

wingdesigner
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Black Death

An elderly parish priest was tending his garden near a convent when a passerby stopped to inquire after the priest's much-loved roses.

"Not bad," said the priest, "but they suffer from a disease peculiar to this area known as the black death."

"What on earth is that?" asked the passerby, anxious to increase his garden knowledge.

"Nuns with scissors."

wingdesigner
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Stranded Irishman (sorry, fellas, I had to pick one)

One day an Irishman, who had been stranded on a deserted island
For over 10 years, saw a speck on the horizon. He thought to himself, "It's certainly not a ship." As the speck got closer and closer, he began to rule out even the possibilities of a small boat or a raft.

Suddenly there strode from the surf a figure clad in a black wet suit.
Putting aside the scuba tanks and mask and zipping down the top of
The wet suit stood a drop-dead gorgeous blonde!

She walked up to the stunned Irishman and said to him, "Tell me, how
Long has it been since you've had a good cigar?"

"Ten years," replied the amazed Irishman.

With that, she reached over and unzipped a waterproof pocket on the
Left sleeve of her wet suit and pulled out a fresh package of cigars and
a lighter.

He took a cigar, slowly lit it, and took a long drag. "Faith and begorrah,"
Said the castaway, "that is so good! I'd almost forgotten how great a smoke can be!"

"And how long has it been since you've had a drop of good Bushmill's Irish Whiskey?" asked the blonde.

Trembling, the castaway replied, "Ten years."

Hearing that, the blonde reached over to her right sleeve, unzipped a pocket there, removed a flask, and handed it to him.

He opened the flask and took a long drink. "Tis nectar of the gods!" shouted the Irishman.. "Tis truly fantastic!"

At this point the gorgeous blonde started to slowly unzip the long
Front of her wet suit, right down the middle. She looked at the trembling man and asked, "And how long has it been since you played around?"

With tears in his eyes, the Irishman fell to his knees and sobbed, "Jesus, Mary, and Joseph! Don't tell me that you've got golf clubs in there too!"
_______________________________________________-

Bet you thought it was going to be another dirty joke, didn't ya? :P

wingdesigner
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Sign in garden center

"We're so excited about spring we wet our plants!"

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More groaners

A new business was opening and one of the owner's friends wanted to send the owner him flowers for the occasion. The flowers arrived at the new business site andread the card: "Rest in Peace."
The owner was annoyed, and called to complain."Sir, I'm really sorry for the mistake, and sorry you were offended," said the florist. "But even worse, somewhere there is a funeral taking place today, and they have flowers with a note saying,
"Congratulations on your new location."

What do you call a country where the people drive only pink cars?
A pink carnation.

What do you call coming back as a hillbilly? Reintarnation.

1. The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.

2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.

3. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.

4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption.

5. The butcher backed into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.

6. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.

7. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.

8. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

9. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

11. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.

12. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

13. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other, 'You stay here; I'll go on a head.'

14. I wondered why the baseball appeared to be getting bigger. Then it hit me.

15. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: 'Keep off the Grass.'

16. A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said, 'No change yet.'

17. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

18. The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

19. The man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

20. A backward poet writes inverse.

21. In democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count that votes.

22. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.

23. Don't join dangerous cults: Practice safe sects!

That's all you people get for now...

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Gary350
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Location: TN. 50 years of gardening experience.

Recently a "Husband Super Store" opened where women could go to choose a husband from among many men.

It was laid out in five floors, with men increasing in positive attributes as you ascended. The only rule was that once you opened a door to a new floor, you either had to choose a man from that floor, or ascend to the next floor. You could not go back down a floor, except to leave the store, never to return.

A couple of girlfriends went to the store to find a husband each.

First floor.

The door had a sign saying, "These men have jobs and love kids."

The women read the sign saying, "Well that's better than not having a job and not loving kids, but I wonder what's up further?" So up they went.

Second floor.

The sign read, "These men have high paying jobs, love kids, and are extremely good looking."

"Hmmm," said the ladies, "But, I wonder what's further up?"

Third floor.

This sign read, "These men have high paying jobs, are extremely good looking, love kids and help with the housework."

"Wow," said the women, "Very tempting." But there was another floor, so further up they went.

Fourth floor.

This door had a sign saying "These men have high paying jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking, help with the housework and have a strong romantic streak."

"Oh, mercy me," they cried, "Just think what must be awaiting us further on! So up to the fifth floor they went.

Fifth floor.

The sign on that door said, "This floor is empty and exists only to prove that women are impossible to please.

[img]https://www.clstunt.com/htdocs/dc/user_files/29428.jpg[/img]


Telephone ringing........Hello, this is the police department, can I help you?

GEORGE. My neighbor Fred is hiding marijuana in his wood pile. Some how he is hiding it inside the wood, not sure how he is doing it.

POLICE. Thank you very much, we will check into it.

The police arrive at the neighbors house with a search warrent and search the wood pile. They find no marijuana so they split each piece of wood into several smaller pieces. Finding no marijuana they leave.

Telephone ringing.........Hello, this is Fred.

GEORGE. Hi Fred did the police come to your house and split all of your fire wood for you?

FRED. Yes they did George.

GEORGE. Happy Birthday Fred.

==============================================


My wife said, "Whatcha doin today?"

I said, "Nothing."

She said, "You did that yesterday."

I said, "I wasn't finished."

==============================================

Did you hear about the constipated mathematician?

He worked it out with a pencil.
Last edited by Gary350 on Sun Aug 02, 2009 7:37 pm, edited 1 time in total.

wingdesigner
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ROFL!

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Pebbles
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Location: Lancashire UK

Hi guys and gals

Sorry if you have already heard this one or it is already on here - just haven't time to read the whole thread at the moment. Hope you like it.


A blind man enters a Ladies Bar by mistake.
He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a drink.
After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?"

The bar immediately falls absolutely quiet.
In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you
tell that joke, I think it is just fair - giving that you are blind that you
should know five things:

1 - The bartender is a blonde girl.
2 - The bouncer is a blonde girl.
3 - I'm a 6 feet tall, 220 lb. blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
4 - The woman sitting next to me is blonde and is a professional weightlifter.
5 - The lady to your right is a blonde and is a professional wrestler.

Now think about it seriously. Do you still wanna tell that joke?

The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, sighs and declares,
"Nah. Not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."

siren1024
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LOLOL.... these are all cracking me up. I love the Bible jokes. I'm particular to religious humor myself.

A train was rolling quietly through the Irish countryside when suddenly an Irishman jumps up, walks up and down the aisles yelling "I need a priest! Is there a Catholic priest on board?"

Noone replied so the man returned to his seat.

A few seconds later, the Irishman jumps up, races down the aisle, and yells "An Anglican Clergyman? Is there an Anglican clergyman on board?"

Again, noone answered, so he returned to his seat.

After a few more moments, once again the man is in the aisles shouting "A Lutheran Pastor? Is there a Lutheran pastor on board?"

Noone answered again.

With a hint of desperation in his voice, he stands up again and shouts "A rabbi! Is there a Rabbi on board!!!!!?????"

Finally, a compassionate man in the corner, pitying this Irishman, timidly raises his hand. "Sir" he says, "I am a Presbyterian Minister, if that's to be any help to 'ya. I'm at the service of you and Our Lord."

"Awww.... you're no good!" replied the Irishman. "We're lookin' for a corkscrew!"

siren1024
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Denominational lightbulb jokes:

These are SO funny... I hope they don't offend anyone, but I have shared them with all my friends who also seem to love them, no matter what belief they hold to. I am a Baptist, and I find the Baptist ones hysterical because they are so true.

How many Charismatics does it take to change a light bulb?
Ten. One to change the bulb and nine to bind the spirit of darkness in the room.

How many Pentecostals does it take to change a light bulb?
14. One to prophesy as to who has the power of the Holy Ghost to change the bulb, one to screw in the bulb, one to lay hands on the changer so he will receive the fullest power, 10 to shout hallelujah when the light comes on, and one to lead the rest in a rousing chorus of "I've Been Changed."

How many TV evangelists does it take to change a light bulb?
One. But for the message of light to continue, send in your donation today.

How many liberal Christians does it take to change a light bulb?
At least ten, as they need to hold a debate on whether or not the light bulb exists. Even if they can agree upon the existence of the light bulb, they still may not change it to keep from alienating those who might use other forms of light.

How many Catholics does it take to change a light bulb?
None, since ours is the One True Light, which will never burn out. If your denomination is having problems with lighting, perhaps you should reflect upon the unfortunate divisions existing in the Church today. Plus we always use candles.

How many Episcopalians does it take to change a light bulb?
Ten. One to call the electrician, and nine to say how much they liked the old one better.

How many Mormons does it take to change a light bulb?
Five. One man to change the bulb & four wives to tell him how to do it.

How many Amish does it take to change a light bulb? What's a light bulb?

How many Baptists does it take to change a light bulb?
At least 45. Three committees to explore, approve, and recommend the change at business meeting, one to second the motion, a church wide vote, one to change the bulb, and one to bring the potato salad.

How many Southern Baptists does it take to change a light bulb?
Approximately 16,000,000. Unfortunately, since they are deeply divided over whether or not light is a fundamental need, no official position will be taken until convention, when the proposed light bulb additions to the Baptist Faith and Message come before a vote. In the mean time, each autonomous Church body is encouraged to formulate its own position on lighting (see above for usual procedure) and choose its convention delegates accordingly.

How many Lutherans does it take to change a light bulb?
We read that we are to so fear and love God that we cannot by our own effort or understanding comprehend the replacement of an electromagnetic photon source. It is, rather by faith, NOT by our efforts (effected toward the failed worldly incandescence), that we truly see, and that our own works (feeble attempts at self change to obtain light) cannot fully justify us in the presence of our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ, who is the only light of the world. Of course, it is still dark.

How many United Methodists does it take to change a light bulb?
We choose not to make a statement either in favor of or against the need for a light bulb. However, if in your own journey, you have found that a light bulb works for you, that is fine. You are invited to write a poem or compose a modern dance about your personal relationship to your light bulb and present it next month at our annual light bulb Sunday service, in which we will explore a number of light bulb traditions, including incandescent, fluorescent, three-way, long-lived, and tinted; all of which are equally valid paths to luminescence through Jesus Christ.

How many Non Denominational Christians does it take to change a lightbulb?
Undetermined. Whether your light is bright, dull, or completely out, you are loved --you can be a light bulb, turnip bulb, or tulip bulb. Church wide lighting service is planned for Sunday. Bring bulb of your choice and a covered dish.

How many Megachurch members does it take to change a light bulb? Undetermined since no one seems to know who's in charge of that. The small group leader recommends directing this question to the Grounds and Maintenance Pastor, but no one seems absolutely sure who he is, either.

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kdf_03
Full Member
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Joined: Sun Jul 19, 2009 8:57 pm
Location: OC

Some groaners :-D

A mushroom walks into a bar. The bartender says "We don't serve your kind here." The mushroom says "Why not? I'm a Fungi!"

What happened when the dog went to the flea circus?
He stole the show!

What kind of dog sniffs out new flowers?
A bud hound.

What is the fruitiest lesson?
History, because it's full of dates!

Charlie MV
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Joined: Thu May 08, 2008 11:48 pm

There are blond jokes like

What's four blonds standing side by side?

Wind tunnel.

Then there are degrees of blonditude. For instance:

FIRST DEGREE

A married couple were asleep when the phone rang at 2 in the morning. The wife (undoubtedly blonde), picked up the phone, listened a moment and said, "How should I know, that's 200 miles from here!" and hung up. The husband said, "Who was that?"
The wife said, "I don't know, some woman wanting to know if the coast is clear."

SECOND DEGREE

Two blondes are walking down the street. One notices a compact on the sidewalk and leans down to pick it up. She opens it, looks in the mirror and says, "Hmm, this person looks familiar."
The second blonde says, "Here, let me see!"
So the first blonde hands her the compact.
The second one looks in the mirror and says, "You dummy, it's me!"

THIRD DEGREE

A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so she goes out and buys a gun. She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and when she opens the door she finds him in the arms of a redhead. Well, the blonde is really angry. She opens her purse to take out the gun, and
as she does so, she is overcome with grief. She takes the gun and puts it to her head. The boyfriend yells, "No, honey, don't do it!!!"
The blonde replies, "Shut up, you're next!"


FOURTH DEGREE
A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of state capitals.
She proudly says, "Go ahead, ask me, I know all of them."
A friend says, "OK, what's the capital of Wisconsin?"
The blonde replies, "Oh, that's easy: W."


FIFTH DEGREE

What did the blonde ask her doctor when he told her she was pregnant?
Is it mine?"

SIXTH DEGREE
Bambi, a blonde in her fourth year as a UCLA freshman, sat in her US government class. The professor asked Bambi if she knew what Roe vs. Wade was about. Bambi pondered the question then finally said, "That was the decision George Washington had to make before he crossed the Delaware."


SEVENTH DEGREE
Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house ransacked and burglarized. She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime.
The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the radio, and a K-9 unit, patrolling nearby was the first to respond. As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash,
The blonde ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, then sat down on the steps. Putting her face in her hands,
she moaned, "I come home to find all my possessions stolen. I call the police for help, and what do they do?
They send me a BLIND policeman."


Then there are dangerous blond jokes.

A blind man enters a Ladies Bar by mistake. He finds his way to a barstool and orders a drink. After sitting there for awhile, he yells to the bartender,

"Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?"

The bar immediately falls absolutely quiet. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says,

"Before you tell that joke, sir, I think it is just fair - giving that you are blind - that you should know Five things:

1 - The bartender is a blonde girl. 2 - The bouncer is a blonde girl.

3 - I'm a 6 feet tall, 160 LB. blonde woman with a black belt in karate.

4 - The woman sitting next to me is blonde and is a professional weightlifter.

5 - The lady to your right is a blonde and is a professional wrestler.

Now think about it seriously, Mister.
Do you still wanna tell that joke?

The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and declares,

"Nah, Not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."

There are also blond guy jokes just to be fair.

3 guys working at a construction site - one is Mexican, second is French and the third is blonde.
Ond day during lunch at the top of a skyscraper the Mexican guy proclaims that if his wife makes him another burrito for lunch he is going to jump.
The French man then proclaims that if his wife makes him Escargot again he is going to jump
The Blonde then procleams that if his wife makes him another bologna sandwich he is going to jump as well.
The next day rolls around and it is time for lunch. The Mexican guy looks at his lunch sees a burrito and jumps to his death. The French man see Escargot and jumps to his death and the blonde sees a bologna sandwich and jumps to his death as well.
At the funeral all the wives were deeply saddened and with much regret the Mexican wife confesses that if she had known of her late husbands dislike of burritos she wouldn't put them in his lunch. The French mans wife said the same about the Escargot. The wife of the blonde looked confused and told the other two wifes that her husband made his own lunch

This one is an audible if the link is still good. Turn up sound

https://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=7780916420567729697

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plkelly
Senior Member
Posts: 160
Joined: Tue Mar 31, 2009 1:52 pm
Location: Springfield MO

A man walks into a bar with his dog. The bartender tells him he can't bring the dog into the bar. The guy says, "But this is no ordinary dog! This dog can talk!"

So of course the bartender wants him to prove it, and the man says to his dog, "What is on top of a house?" and the dog says "Roof! Roof!"

The bartender rolls his eyes and threatens to throw the guy and his dog out of the bar, but the man asks for one more chance. He says to the dog, "What is the texture of a tree trunk?" And the dog says, "Ruff! Ruff!"

The bartender comes around the bar and starts to throw the guy out, but he begs for one more chance. He says to the dog, "Who was the best baseball player who ever lived?" The dogs answers "Ruth! Ruth!"

The man and his dog get thrown out of the bar. After they go about a block, the dog turns to the man and says, "Should I have said DiMaggio?"

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Jewell
Cool Member
Posts: 65
Joined: Sat May 09, 2009 2:06 pm
Location: South Puget Sound

Thanks all for much laughter :lol: :lol: :lol:

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tomf
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Posts: 3233
Joined: Mon May 18, 2009 8:15 am
Location: Oregon

LOL :lol:

A blond was pulled over on the highway by a cop for driving to slow. So the blond says to the cop “the sign said 35 mphâ€

wingdesigner
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Posts: 2036
Joined: Thu Mar 10, 2005 4:58 pm
Location: Michigan--LP(troll)

Christmas Carols for Abnormal Psych. Majors

Warning, this one may not be for everyone...
These are not for the faint of heart and may make you wince. But I'm particularly fond of the last one.

1.) Schizophrenia: Do You Hear What I Hear, the Voices, the Voices
2.) Amnesia: I Don't Remember If I'll Be Home for Christmas
3.) Narcissistic: Hark the Herald Angels Sing About Me
4.) Manic: Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and Stores and Office and Town and Cars and Buses and Trucks and Trees and Fire Hydrants and...
5.) Multiple Personality Disorder: We Three Kings Disoriented Are
6.) Paranoid: Santa Claus is Coming to Get Us
7.) Borderline Personality Disorder: You Better Watch Out, You Better not Shout, I'm Gonna Cry and I'm Not Tellin' You Why
8.) Full Personality Disorder: Thoughts of Roasting You on an Open Fire
9.) Obsessive Compulsive Disorder: Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells
10.) Agoraphobia: I Heard the Bells on Christmas Day but Wouldn't Leave My House
11.) Senile Dementia: Walking in a Winter Wonderland Miles from My House in My Slippers and Robe
12.) Oppositional Defiant Disorder: I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus so I Burned Down the House
13.) Social Anxiety Disorder: Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas While I Sit Here and Hyperventilate
14.) Attention Deficit Disorder: We Wish You...Hey Look! It's Snowing!!

wingdesigner
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Posts: 2036
Joined: Thu Mar 10, 2005 4:58 pm
Location: Michigan--LP(troll)

The chicken police

While technically not a joke; I believe it's a good idea to have a couple attack chickens just to keep the peace...

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ybVb3t560oY

wingdesigner
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Posts: 2036
Joined: Thu Mar 10, 2005 4:58 pm
Location: Michigan--LP(troll)

Christmas Cookie Rules

1.
If you eat a Christmas cookie fresh out of the oven, it has no calories because everyone knows that the first cookie is the test and thus calorie free.

2.
If you drink a diet pop after eating your second cookie, it also has no calories because the diet pop cancels out the cookie calories.

3.
If a friend comes over while you're making your Christmas cookies, and you need to sample them, you must sample with a friend. Because your friend's first cookie is calories free, (see rule #1), yours is also. It would be rude to let your friend sample alone and, being the friend that you are, that makes your cookie calorie free.

4.
Any cookie calories consumed while walking around will fall to your feet and eventually fall off as you move. This is due to gravity and the density of the caloric mass.

5.
Any calories consumed during the frosting of the Christmas cookies will be used up because it takes many calories to lick excess frosting from a knife without cutting your tongue.


6.
Cookies colored red or green have very few calories. Red ones have three and green ones have five - one calorie for each letter. Make more red ones!

7.
Cookies eaten while watching "Miracle on 34th Street" have no calories because they are part of the entertainment package and not part of one's personal fuel.

8.
As always, cookie pieces contain no calories because the process of breaking causes calorie leakage.

9.
Any cookies consumed from someone else's plate have no calories since the calories rightfully belong to the other person and will cling to their plate. We all know how calories like to CLING!

10.
Any cookies consumed while feeling stressed have no calories because cookies used for medicinal purposes NEVER have calories. It's a rule!

So,
go out and enjoy those Christmas Cookies - we only get them this time of year!

MysticGardener67
Senior Member
Posts: 143
Joined: Fri Dec 18, 2009 10:31 am
Location: Lexington KY

Blonde landscaper and gardening innuendos

How can you tell that a Blonde did the landscaping?

The bushes are a different color than the rest of the yard.

The inadvertant innuendo that caused me to loose a groundskeeping job.

"nothing I enjoy more than a nicely trimmed bush" Only after I noticed the wide eyes and dropped jaws did I realize what I had said. In my defense, I HAD just finished shearing a sorely neglected 50 ft stretch of Euonymus Alata (Burning Bush) BY HAND! Property was too cheap to buy me a gas trimmer OR a commercial grade blower/vac

My wife was feeling rather amorous. She leaned in and whispered into my ear "Talk dirty to me." I whispered into her ear "Mulch Mulch Mulch."

the one rose cultivar whose name never ceases to raise the question "What where they thinking?" Golden Showers

Only in Gardening can a man complement a woman on the size of her melons and not get slapped.

Honest to gosh bumpersticker I saw a few years back "Gardeners have dirty minds"



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