Excerpts from a Dog's Diary......
8:00 am - Dog food! My favorite thing!
9:30 am - A car ride! My favorite thing!
9:40 am - A walk in the park! My favorite thing!
10:30 am - Got rubbed and petted! My favorite thing!
12:00 pm - Lunch! My favorite thing!
?1:00 pm - Played in the yard! My favorite thing!
?3:00 pm - Wagged my tail! My favorite thing!
?5:00 pm - Milk Bones! My favorite thing!
?7:00 pm - Got to play ball! My favorite thing!
?8:00 pm - Wow! Watc hed TV with the people! My favorite thing!
11:00 pm - Sleeping on the bed! My favorite thing!
Excerpts from a Cat's Daily Diary...
Day 983 of my captivity...
My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets.
Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength.
The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape. In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet.
Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet. I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates what I am capable of. However, they merely made condescending comments about what a 'good little hunter' I am. Stupid humans.
There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However, I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was due to the power of "allergies". I must learn what this means and how to use it to my advantage.
Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this again tomorrow -- but at the top of the stairs.
I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches. The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released - and seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously retarded.
The bird has got to be an informant. I observe him communicating with the guards regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move. My captors have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so he is safe. For now...
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wingdesigner
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Diaries of dogs and cats
Last edited by wingdesigner on Sun Dec 28, 2008 8:43 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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Kenshin14435
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MamaGreenThumb
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wingdesigner
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Celeferguson
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wingdesigner
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Sienna Dawn
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- Location: Pensacola, FL
THINGS DOGS MUST REMEMBER
I will not play tug-of-war with Dad's underwear when he's on the toilet.
The garbage collector is NOT stealing our stuff.
I do not need to suddenly stand straight up when I'm lying under the coffee table.
I will scootch my bottom along the grass, NOT the carpet, to rid myself of hangers-on.
I will not roll my toys behind the fridge.
I must shake the rainwater out of my fur BEFORE
entering the house.
I will not drop soggy tennis balls in the underwear of someone who is sitting on the toilet.
I will not roll my head around in other animals' poop.
I will not eat the cats' food, before or after they eat it.
I will stop trying to find the few remaining pieces of clean carpet in the house when I am about to throw up.
I will not throw up in the car.
I will not roll on dead birds, seagulls, fish, crabs, etc.
I will not lick my human's face after eating animal poop.
"Kitty box crunchies" are not food.
I will not eat any more socks and then redeposit them in the backyard after processing.
The diaper pail is not a cookie jar.
I will not wake Mommy up by sticking my cold, wet nose up her bottom end.
I will not chew my human's toothbrush and not tell them.
I will not chew crayons or pens, especially not the red ones, or my people will think I am hemorrhaging.
When in the car, I will not insist on having the window rolled down when it's raining outside.
We do not have a doorbell. I will not bark each time I hear one on TV.
I will not steal my Mom's underwear and dance all over the backyard with it.
The sofa is not a face towel. Neither are Mom & Dad's laps.
My head does not belong in the refrigerator, dishwasher or trashcan.
I will not bite the officer's hand when he reaches in for Mom's driver's license and car registration.
I will not spend more than 5 minutes trying to find the "perfect" place to poop.
I will not eat other animals' poop.
I will not take off while on leash to chase squirrels while Mommy is standing on a slippery grass slope.
I will not play tug-of-war with Dad's underwear when he's on the toilet.
The garbage collector is NOT stealing our stuff.
I do not need to suddenly stand straight up when I'm lying under the coffee table.
I will scootch my bottom along the grass, NOT the carpet, to rid myself of hangers-on.
I will not roll my toys behind the fridge.
I must shake the rainwater out of my fur BEFORE
entering the house.
I will not drop soggy tennis balls in the underwear of someone who is sitting on the toilet.
I will not roll my head around in other animals' poop.
I will not eat the cats' food, before or after they eat it.
I will stop trying to find the few remaining pieces of clean carpet in the house when I am about to throw up.
I will not throw up in the car.
I will not roll on dead birds, seagulls, fish, crabs, etc.
I will not lick my human's face after eating animal poop.
"Kitty box crunchies" are not food.
I will not eat any more socks and then redeposit them in the backyard after processing.
The diaper pail is not a cookie jar.
I will not wake Mommy up by sticking my cold, wet nose up her bottom end.
I will not chew my human's toothbrush and not tell them.
I will not chew crayons or pens, especially not the red ones, or my people will think I am hemorrhaging.
When in the car, I will not insist on having the window rolled down when it's raining outside.
We do not have a doorbell. I will not bark each time I hear one on TV.
I will not steal my Mom's underwear and dance all over the backyard with it.
The sofa is not a face towel. Neither are Mom & Dad's laps.
My head does not belong in the refrigerator, dishwasher or trashcan.
I will not bite the officer's hand when he reaches in for Mom's driver's license and car registration.
I will not spend more than 5 minutes trying to find the "perfect" place to poop.
I will not eat other animals' poop.
I will not take off while on leash to chase squirrels while Mommy is standing on a slippery grass slope.
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wingdesigner
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Sienna Dawn
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THINGS CATS MUST REMEMBER! (ok. . . things we would like cats to remember)
Screaming at the can of food will not make it open itself.
I should not assume the patio door is open when I race outside to chase leaves.
If I play "dead cat on the stairs" while people are trying to bring in groceries or laundry, one of these days it will really come true.
If I put a live mouse in my food bowl, I should not expect it to stay there until I get hungry.
The guinea pig likes to sleep once in a while. I will not watch him constantly.
If I bite the cactus, it will bite back.
I will not stand on the bathroom counter, stare down the hall, and growl at nothing right after my human has finished watching "The X-Files."
My human is capable of cooking bacon and eggs without my help.
Television and computer screens do not exist to backlight my lovely tail.
No matter how dangly and attractive they are, my human's earrings are not cat toys.
The canned cat food is already dead. I do not need to kill it by swatting bits of it all over the floor.
Potted plants are not meat.
I will never be able to walk on the ceiling, and staring up the wall and screaming at it will not bring it any closer.
It is not a good idea to try to lap up the powdered creamer before it all dissolves in the boiling coffee.
If my human wants to share her sandwich with me, she will give me a piece. She will notice if I start eating it from the other end.
The goldfish likes living in water and must be allowed to remain in its bowl.
I cannot leap through closed windows to catch birds outside.
The large dog in the back yard has lived there for six years. I will not freak out every time I see it.
If I must give a present to my human's overnight guests, my toy mouse is much more socially acceptable than a live cockroach, even if it isn't as tasty.
As talented as I may be with kitty litter, my human will not be impressed with my attempts to build sand castles in the litter box.
Screaming at the can of food will not make it open itself.
I should not assume the patio door is open when I race outside to chase leaves.
If I play "dead cat on the stairs" while people are trying to bring in groceries or laundry, one of these days it will really come true.
If I put a live mouse in my food bowl, I should not expect it to stay there until I get hungry.
The guinea pig likes to sleep once in a while. I will not watch him constantly.
If I bite the cactus, it will bite back.
I will not stand on the bathroom counter, stare down the hall, and growl at nothing right after my human has finished watching "The X-Files."
My human is capable of cooking bacon and eggs without my help.
Television and computer screens do not exist to backlight my lovely tail.
No matter how dangly and attractive they are, my human's earrings are not cat toys.
The canned cat food is already dead. I do not need to kill it by swatting bits of it all over the floor.
Potted plants are not meat.
I will never be able to walk on the ceiling, and staring up the wall and screaming at it will not bring it any closer.
It is not a good idea to try to lap up the powdered creamer before it all dissolves in the boiling coffee.
If my human wants to share her sandwich with me, she will give me a piece. She will notice if I start eating it from the other end.
The goldfish likes living in water and must be allowed to remain in its bowl.
I cannot leap through closed windows to catch birds outside.
The large dog in the back yard has lived there for six years. I will not freak out every time I see it.
If I must give a present to my human's overnight guests, my toy mouse is much more socially acceptable than a live cockroach, even if it isn't as tasty.
As talented as I may be with kitty litter, my human will not be impressed with my attempts to build sand castles in the litter box.
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webmaster
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Diary of my new kitten, Skippy
2:AM - Oh goody look who's come to bed. I'll jump on his head until he plays with me.
2:30 - Jumping on the head isn't working. Maybe if I meow real loud...
3:AM - This is boring. I'll sleep awhile.
8: AM - Oooo the sun! Wake up! Wake up!
8:10 AM - If I can lift this cover off his head surely he'll give me the pets I'm entitled to.
8: 15 AM - Oh well. I'll just sit on his head and purr... Real loud.
2:AM - Oh goody look who's come to bed. I'll jump on his head until he plays with me.
2:30 - Jumping on the head isn't working. Maybe if I meow real loud...
3:AM - This is boring. I'll sleep awhile.
8: AM - Oooo the sun! Wake up! Wake up!
8:10 AM - If I can lift this cover off his head surely he'll give me the pets I'm entitled to.
8: 15 AM - Oh well. I'll just sit on his head and purr... Real loud.
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wingdesigner
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applestar
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Yes, and I only have shredded remains of wall-to-wall carpet at the bottom of it! 
Besides, I'm a light sleeper and a yowling cat outside the door does not for a good night's rest make! 
Of course, I did always want to rip out that carpet and replace it with a hardwood floor...
But NOT YET! 
My cats' favorite way to wake me up is to get their heads stuck between the metal microblinds or simply to bang with the blinds to get behind it. We DO HAVE quite a few windows around the house BESIDES the two in the bedroom you know....
SD - I LOVE your posts. Are they REALLY things they've done? My first kitten, when I had a house guest on a pull out couch, kept her awake all night long by running as fast as he could across the living room and landing with a solid THUMP on her chest and stomach at each pass. First time, she screamed her head off. When she tried to sit up and relax, he reached up the gap between the pull-out and the back rest and pulled her hair!
Next morning, when we were trying to make cookies, he batted all the flour out of the bowl and then curled up IN it and went to sleep....
Besides, I'm a light sleeper and a yowling cat outside the door does not for a good night's rest make! Of course, I did always want to rip out that carpet and replace it with a hardwood floor...
But NOT YET! My cats' favorite way to wake me up is to get their heads stuck between the metal microblinds or simply to bang with the blinds to get behind it. We DO HAVE quite a few windows around the house BESIDES the two in the bedroom you know....
SD - I LOVE your posts. Are they REALLY things they've done? My first kitten, when I had a house guest on a pull out couch, kept her awake all night long by running as fast as he could across the living room and landing with a solid THUMP on her chest and stomach at each pass. First time, she screamed her head off. When she tried to sit up and relax, he reached up the gap between the pull-out and the back rest and pulled her hair!
Next morning, when we were trying to make cookies, he batted all the flour out of the bowl and then curled up IN it and went to sleep....
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Sienna Dawn
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Applestar - While my fur babies, feline and canine, *have* exhibited ALOT of the behaviour in those posts, they are not original. They were on a website with several funnies about cats and dogs that I found to be very funny and *very* true! 
As far as the how the kitties wake you up... I have a very round black kitty named Kilo (I inherited her from my daughter and no, I didn't ask
) who can, I swear, *hear* your eyes open. She creeps onto the bed and *patpatpats* your face with her paw to see if you eyes will open. You try to ignore her for as long as you can and then, when she has lulled you into thinking she has gone elsewhere and you try to peek, *POUNCE* in the middle of your chest and you're nose to nose with her. *sigh*
She's a sweetie and is very cute. It is that very cuteness which has allowed her to live as long as she has.
And, I have yet to figure out how an animal who can leap from the floor to the tabletop, is somehow unable to make the leap from one side of a queen sized bed to the other without using me for a springboard in between.
As far as the how the kitties wake you up... I have a very round black kitty named Kilo (I inherited her from my daughter and no, I didn't ask
) who can, I swear, *hear* your eyes open. She creeps onto the bed and *patpatpats* your face with her paw to see if you eyes will open. You try to ignore her for as long as you can and then, when she has lulled you into thinking she has gone elsewhere and you try to peek, *POUNCE* in the middle of your chest and you're nose to nose with her. *sigh*She's a sweetie and is very cute. It is that very cuteness which has allowed her to live as long as she has.
And, I have yet to figure out how an animal who can leap from the floor to the tabletop, is somehow unable to make the leap from one side of a queen sized bed to the other without using me for a springboard in between.
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wingdesigner
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Ha, ha! Shutting a door to a cat at night? Guaranteed way of not getting any sleep at all with all the scratching, yowling, and thumping! I can't even keep my bedroom door shut when our rabbit is out and about cause our cats have figured out how to open the doors! (We like to keep the rabbit out of the bedroom cause she'll go under the bed and stay there!)
We keep a blanket at the foot of our bed to keep the kitties to that area. They love that fuzzy blanket and it makes for easier sleeping for all of us.
But can someone tell me why my cats will occasionally excuse themselves from watching t.v. to go downstairs and yowl their heads off--but stop suddenly if we interrupt them to ask what they're yelling about? Then they give us that look of, "Excuse me? Did you want something?" (and yes, they're all neutered).
We keep a blanket at the foot of our bed to keep the kitties to that area. They love that fuzzy blanket and it makes for easier sleeping for all of us.
But can someone tell me why my cats will occasionally excuse themselves from watching t.v. to go downstairs and yowl their heads off--but stop suddenly if we interrupt them to ask what they're yelling about? Then they give us that look of, "Excuse me? Did you want something?" (and yes, they're all neutered).
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wingdesigner
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We call it "kitty crazies" around here, and it seems to be contagious. One will get it and it will soon spread to the other three. Luckily, it seems to be short lived. Three or four passes down the hall and they're ready for a nap!wingdesigner wrote:I think it has something to do with the universe being out of whack. I know when they suddenly race from one room to another it's because the earth's magnetic field has suddenly shifted and needs to be re-balanced.
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applestar
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I mentioned it elsewhere, but speaking of kitties, DD and I have discovered the Warrior series of books by Erin Hunter. LOVE THEM! DD is grinding her teeth because *I* can read faster and am now 3 books ahead of her!
Cynthia, I recommend you head straight for the youth section of the library and check them out!
Everyone else will just have to wait until they can get to their local library or bookstore. (Actually I don't know if you actually work in that kind of a library 
)
From gardening standpoint, the "medicine cats" use herbal remedies to heal their Clan members. Huh. Just felt a pang of negative connotation from the word "Clan" -- might be American thing though, realized early on when looking up what in the world an "amenity tip"="carrion place" full of diseased rats was, that the author is (are) British.
Without a doubt, cats are mysterious creatures.
BTW, I know medicine cats are make-believe, but do you think animals have some instinctive knowledge about plants for what ails them? Our gerbil is sick -- she's getting old so I'm not entirely surprised, but I've been giving her extra pumpkin seeds (which she'll accept in any case) and dropping into the cage tiny sprigs of thyme, rosemary, green onion, parsley and sage in hopes that one of them might help somehow....
Cynthia, I recommend you head straight for the youth section of the library and check them out!
Everyone else will just have to wait until they can get to their local library or bookstore. (Actually I don't know if you actually work in that kind of a library ) From gardening standpoint, the "medicine cats" use herbal remedies to heal their Clan members. Huh. Just felt a pang of negative connotation from the word "Clan" -- might be American thing though, realized early on when looking up what in the world an "amenity tip"="carrion place" full of diseased rats was, that the author is (are) British.
Without a doubt, cats are mysterious creatures.
BTW, I know medicine cats are make-believe, but do you think animals have some instinctive knowledge about plants for what ails them? Our gerbil is sick -- she's getting old so I'm not entirely surprised, but I've been giving her extra pumpkin seeds (which she'll accept in any case) and dropping into the cage tiny sprigs of thyme, rosemary, green onion, parsley and sage in hopes that one of them might help somehow....